812. 

Cx48t 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2017  with  funding  from 

University  of  Illinois  Urbana-Champaign  Alternates 


https://archive.org/details/louessmusicalfarOOglen 


K-Louess.4* 


A MUSICAL  FARCE. 

IN  TWO  ACTS, 

— BY  — 


Byron  P.  Glenn. 

0 


TO  WHICH  IS  ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION  OF  THE  COSTUMES— CAST  OF  THE  CHARAC- 
TERS—ENTRANCES  AND  EXITS— RELATIVE  POSITIONS 
OF  THE  PERFORMERS  ON  THE  STAGE,  AND  THE 
WHOLE  OF  THE  STAGE  BUSINESS. 

0 


Entered  according  to  act  of  Congress  in  the  year  1901  by 
AMES'  PUBLISHING  CO., 

in  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washington. 


O 


AMES’  PUBLISHING  CO. 


cj.YDE.  ohio; 


LOUESS. 

CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 


Jack  Nife A keen-edged  young  fellow. 

Mr.  Stanton  A lawyer  with  a cane  of  his  own . 

Weary.  . (Remember  the  bad,  penny f)  That's  him. 

Moses,  ^ ..A  chunk  of  charcoal  with  chalk  in  his  cheek. 

Jimmy,  ( An  office  boy , who  can  say  yes  or  no. 

Parson  Brown An  X ray , who  sees  through  everything- -nit. 

Policeman Born  in  America , but  still  an  Irishman. 

Rose Just  budding \ rain  or  shine. 

Violet .A  spring  beauty  all  the  year. 

Marqcjerettk A daisy  but  not  a coquette. 

Buttercup.  . . . . . Brim  full  of  fun,  with  lots  of  gold. 

Aunt  Tilda Louess's  aunt,  on  the  war  path  for  a spouse. 

Louess Papa's  pet , but  full  of  romance . 

TIME.  — Present. 


PLACE. — A ny  old  place. 

TIME  OF  PLA  YING — 1 hour  and  45  minutes. 

COSTUMES. 

Jack  Nife. — Act  1st.;  duck  suit.  Act  2nd.;  business  suit. 

Moses.— Blue  suit,  black  colored  face,  negro  wig. 

Weary. — Act  1st.:  tramp  out-fit,  short  crop  beard.  Act  2nd.:  very 
sporty  suit.  (Burlesque.) 

Mr.  Stanton. — Business  suit,  bald  wig,  large  stomach. 

Parson  Brown. — Prince  Albert  coat  and  silk  hat,  side  whiskers. 

Policeman. — Uniform,  red  sluggers. 

Jimmy. — Blue  suit,  short  crop  wig. 

Rose. — Act  1st.;  pink  empire  gown  with  hat  to  match — wear  roses. 
Act  2nd.;  pretty  outing  costume. 

Violet. — Act  1st.;  lavender  or  purple  gown— wear  violets.  Act 
2nd.;  pretty  outing  costume. 

Marquerette. — Act  1st.;  white  empire  gown — wear  daisies.  Act 
2nd.;  pretty  outing  costume. 

Buttercup. — Act  1st.;  yellow  enpiregowu — wear  buttercups.  Act 
2nd.;  pretty  outing  costume. 

Aunt  Tilda. — Elaborate  old  maid  costume,  blond  wig  with  curls. 

Louess. — Act  1st.;  first  dress,  red  costume;  second,  up-to  date 
traveling  suit.  Act  2nd.;  outing  costume. 

PROPER  TIES. 

Act  I. — A safe,  (can  be  made  from  a store  box.)  trumpet,  bottle 
of  hair  oil,  sign,  (Tramps  received  in  rear  of  house)  not  less  Hum  3x4 
feet;  dusting  brush,  bell  for  .Weary;  oil  painting  without  frame, 
package  of  dynamite,  package  of  diamonds,  certificate  with  red  seal, 
doll  trunk,  razor,  pen  andbottle  of  ink,  dummy  of  Irish  cook,  book 


G442- 


LOUESS. 

for  Parson,  toy  pistol,  revolver  to  fire  shot,  bo*  of  red  fire,  bread 
board,  (two  parts)  flour  for  Moses,  Standard  for  Jack,  door  bell,  ex- 
plosion. 

Act  II. — Telephone,  fire  screen,  watch  for  Stanton,  glass  crash, 
safe,  door  bell,  cigar,  bottle  of  wine,  grease  paint  for  Aunt  Tilda, 
shutters  on  windows,  hand  mirror. 


synopsis  of  events. 

ACT  I. — Moses  and  the  Cook — “Me  and  dat  cook  am  gwine  to  get 
mixed  up  some  of  dese  days” — Private  theatricals — The  proposal — - 
“Dis  am  so  sudden”— Jack — “Poetry,  oh  for  a pencil” — Aren’t  we 
going  to  rehearse?” — “Not  when  there  is  an  icecream  soda  in  view” 
— The  drill — Weary — Tramps  received  at  the  rear  of  the  house — The 
defaulting  book-keeper  discovers  safe — “I  wonder  if  I remember  the 
combination”— Hides  in  safe — Aunt  Tilda — Oh  heavens,  that  voice! 
— Jack  makes  love  to  Aunt  Tilda — “He’s  just  smothering  in  love, 

I 'll  catch  him  or  never  get  a man” — Weary  causes  trouble— Dis- 
covered--“Shoot  him  on  the  spot”— “Pll  change  my  spots”— Captured 
— Dynamite— “Touch  him  if  you  dare” — Escape — “There  they  go 
and  Aunt  Tilda  isn’t  far  behind  either” — Weary  captured— Moses 
overhears  Jack  and  Louess  plan  an  elopement — Mr.  Stanton — “I’ll 
see  about  this” — Moses  gets  in  trouble — “The  deed  is  done,  no  one 
can  separate  us  now” — Weary  and  Aunt  Tilda  are  witnesses— The 
explosion — “Great  Scott,  the  Cook!” 

. ACT  11. — Mr.  Stanton  has  troubles  of  his  own— Aunt  Tilda — 
“Where  is  Mr.  Stanton?” — “Hunting  snipes” — I’ll  have  you  to  un- 
derstand that  my  brother  don’t  chew”— Aunt  Tilda  and  the  tele- 
phone— “Ofii  you  naughty  man” — “My  gracious  it’s  a William 
Penn,  he  calls  them  cheap”— Jack — -“That  destroyer  of  my  happi- 
ness and  here  in  m37  office” — Mr.  Stanton  decides  to  become  insane 
“Death!  death!  let  them  come,  I’m  a regular  Booth” — Call  a police- 
man— “I  think  I carry  my  age  well” — “You  ought  to.  you  have  had 
it  a long  ti me— “Arrest  that  defaulter” — “I  am  no  longer  Willie 
Weary,  but  James  G.  Walker,  sole  Manufacturer  of  Little  Willie 
Walker’s  Willing  Work  Pills” — “He  is  an  angel” — The  telephone — 
Hello — Hears  that  Jack  has  come  into  a fortune — “You  are  just  the 
kind  of  a son-in-law  that  I have  been  looking  for” — Jimmy  and 
Police  join  in  the  chorous — Happy  euding. 


STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 

R.,  means  Right;  l.,  Left;  r.  h.,  Right  Hand ; l.  h.,  Left  Hand, 
c.,  Center;  s.  e.,  (2dE.)  Second  Entrance;  u.  e.,  Upper  E11  trade e ; 
M.  d.,  Middle  Door  : f.,  the  Flat ; d.  f.,  Door  in  Flat ; r.  cv,  Right 
of  Center  ; l.  c.,  Left  of  Center. 

R-  R-  c.  c.  l.  c.  L 

***  The  reader  is  supposed  to  be  upon  the  stage  facing  the  audience. 


"LOTIESS 


ACT  I. 

SCENE. — Parlor  interior — arch  c.,  bay  window  with  curtains,  r.  c.,  tete- 
a-tete  K.  of  window,  chairs  r.  and  l.  of  arch , easel  in  r,  upper  corner , 
stand  with  bottle  of  hair  oil,  back  of  r.  e.  , chair  back  of  u.  e.,  so/a 
r.  e.,  6'a/ie  down  l.  corner , cm  floor — Moses  discovered  at 

arch. 

Moses.  Go-on T go-on!  go-on!  (fa#  curtain  is  up,  then  comes  down  c.) 
Me  and  dat  cook  am  gwine  to  get  mixed  up  some  of  these  here  days, 
and  I’se  gwine  to  tie  her  red  hair  into  an  Irish  boquet.  She’s  a 
Jonah,  she  is,  always  argufying  with  dis  coon — ( dusting ) I’se  gettin’ 
tired  of  dis  here  job,  no  how,  nothin*  but  Moses  do  this  and  Moses 
do  that,  and  Moses  here  and  Moses  thare,  and — ( sees  safe)  holy  Moses! 
if  dat  Miss  Louess  ain’t  gone  and  left  dat  safe  open  an’  all  dem 
valuable  diamonds  in  dar  too.  Oh  golly!  dis  here  coon  can’t  spressfy 
his  feelin’s.  ( stands  still)  l’se  gwine  right  away  from  dis  here  room, 
1 is.  I don’t  want  none  of  de  honor  of  a grand  safe  robbery.  No 
sah!  I’se  gwine  right  away  sure,  (looks  cautiously  at  safe)  Guess  I’d 
better  stay,  some  low  down  white  man  might  see  dat  safe  open  and 
come  an  steal  dem  diamonds.  I know  what  I’ll  do,  I’ll  jest  shut 
dat  door,  (shuts  safe  door)  Now  dat’s  safe.  We  is  gwine  to  hab  a 
private  piratical  down  here  to-night.  I — I mean  a private  tlpyritical, 
and  Miss  Louess  don  told  me  to  keep  out  of  dis  here  bowdeer;  dat’s 
what  she  calls  dis  here  bed  room.  De  actresses  am  gettin’  ready  for 
a dress  rehearsel  now,  an’  will  be  down  here  most  any  minute. 
(music)  Golly!  guess  dat’s  dem  now.  (at  arch,  looking  out)  Oh  Lawd! 
look  at  dem  togs!  (crosses  to  safe  and  sits  on  top  of  it 

Enter  Louess,  Violet,  Buttercup,  Rose  and  Marquurutte,  c.  e. — 
song — quartett  can  be  introduced  if  desired. 

! Louess.  Well,  girls,  what  do  you  think  of  that? 

Buttercup.  Oh!  it’s  lovely. 

• , Bose.  Yes,  you  sing  and  act  if  to  perfection. 

Violet.  Indeed  you  do,  and  1 know  you  will  greatly  please  our 
audience  to-night. 

Marquerette.  Well,  I hope  so,  we  at  least  can  slio.v  our  costumes. 

( whirls  on  foot 


LOTTE  S3.  5 

Louess.  Yes,  but  that  doesn’t  make  a play;  we  must  act  as  well  as 
look  pretty.  But  girls,  to  change  the  subject-,  hhave  a secret. 

Girls.  Oh!  what  is  it? 

Louess,  I promised  not  to  tell.  But  say,  you  girls  won’t  say  a 
word  if  I tell,  will  you?  (girls  shake  their  heads  no)  Not  even  your 
chums?  (no)  Cross  your  hearts?  ( no 

Butt.  Honest. 

Louess.  You  won’t  tell  a soul? 

Violet.  No,  honest,  l won't  even  tell  ( pause)  Legrafy. 

Louess)  Well  then,  listen — now  honest,  won’t  you  tell? 

Butt.  No.  honest!  (emphatic 

Moses,  {whirls  on  foot  to  imitate  Marquerette  and  then  sits — aside) 
Fo’  de  Lawd’s  sake! 

Bose.  Oh!  please,  do  tell  us  what  it  is. 

Ljouess . Well,  then,  (dramatic)  L’ve  had  a proposal,  (music,  chord 
Moses.  Oil!  (falls  off  safe)  dis  am  so  sudden. 

Marquerette  and Rose  fall  into  each  other' s arms , Violet  and  But- 
tercup do  the  same — straighten  up  quickly . 

Mar.  Well,  who  is  it? 

Louess.  Jack. 

Girls.  Jack? 

Louess.  Yep,  J-a-c-k,  that’s  him.  He  proposed  right  to  my  very 
face  and  made  me  promise  never  to  tell  until  he  had  graduated  from 
medical  school,  and  I’m  not  going  to  either. 

Butt.  Where  were  you  when  he  proposed? 

Louess.  On  his  knees — (hand  to  mouth)  Oh! 

Violet.  Tell  us,  what  did  he  say? 

Louess.  Words  can’t  express,  but  maybe  I can  sing  it. 

Moses.  Wall,  here’s  whar  I depart. 

(exit  r.  e. — love  song  by  Louess 

Enter  Jack,  c.  e. 

Jack.  I think  that  is  fine. 

Girls.  Oh! 

Louess.  1 don’t.  How  on  earth  did  you  get  into  this  house? 

Jack,  (holds  up  his  foot)  A foot  at  a time. 

The  door  was  open,  the  hall  was  clear; 

1 came  up  stairs  and  found  you  here. 

(searches  his  pockets)  Poetry — oh!  for  a pencil. 

Louess.  Well,  that  was  surely  an  accident,  but  listen — ( dramatic ) 
I am  going  to  summons  my  fair  escort  and  cast  you  through  yonder 
window.  Do  you  hear? 

Jack,  (dramatic)  Yes,  proud  woman,  I grasp  the  meaning  of  your 
cruel  words.  Call  up  your  dogs  of  war!  Bring  on  your  candy  Cains' 

1 am  Abel  to  lick  them  all.  (dramatic  walk 

Louess.  Be  it  so.  Girls,  do  your  duty.  (girls  burlesque  singing 
Jack,  (on  knees)  Spare  me!  spare  me! 

Louess.  We  will  on  one  condition. 

Jack.  And  that  is — ? 

Louess.  That  you  set  it  up  to  the  crowd.  (girls  around  Jack 

Girls,  (ad.  libitum)  fee  cream,  candy,  milkshake,  etc. 


e LOUESS. 

Jack.  ( puMs  out  pockets,  whistles , puts  them  hack)  Oh!  girls,  I’m  so 
young. 

Violet.  Well,  we  are  going  to  break  you  in. 

Jack,  (aside)  Yes,  and  I will  be  broke  before  I get  out.  (aloud) 

Well,  come  along,  what  will  you  take, 

An  ice  cream  soda  or  a white-milk  shake? 

(same  business  as  before)  Poetry — oh  for  a pencil. 

Mar.  He's  in  love. 

Violet.  Oh!  nonsense.  Aren’t  we  going  to  rehearse? 

Butt.  Not  when  there  is  an  ice  cream  soda  in  view. 

Rose.  Well,  I guess  not. 

Mar.  I’ll  tell  you,  let  us  drill  to  the  soda  fountain.  We  can  re- 
hearse our  soldier  drill,  and  by  so  doing,  combine  business  with 
pleasure. 

Jack . A good  idea,  but  what  shall  we  use  for  guns? 

Louess.  I'll  have  Moses  bring  our  parasols, 

Rose.  Good!  Won’t  it  be  jolly  ? 

Louess.  (at  arch,  calls)  Moses!  Moses! 

Enter  Moses,  c.  e. 

Moses . Yes,  ma’am. 

Louess.  Get  our  parasols,  which  you  will  find  on  the  hall  rack 
and  bring  them  here  at  once.  Now  hurry. 

Mosfes.  Yes,  ma’am.  (exit  c.  e.,  quickly 

Jack,  (smelling  flowers  on  the  girls  dresses)  My!  what  pretty  flowers. 

Roses  are  red,  violets  blue, 

Marguerette’s  white,  and  buttercups — (pause)  yellow— 

(business  as  before)  Poetry — oh  for  a pencil,  (girls  disgusted)  Ladies* 
you  need  your  hats. 

Louess.  Why  of  course.  You  simpleton,  did  you  think  we  were 
going  bare  headed?  (at  arch)  Moses,  don’t  forget  our  hats. 

Enter  Moses,  c.  e.,  hat  on  parasol  for  each. 

Moses.  I’se  got  dem,  Miss  Louess,  here  dey  is.  If  dese  here 
bumber-shutes  belong  to  dis  child,  he’d  put  dem  up  for  a rainy  day. 

(handing  each  girl  her  parasol 

Jack.  Well,  that’s  enough  of  that,  but  girls,  what  am  1 going  to 
use  for  a sword.  1 have  it!  Moses,  come  here. 

Moses,  (runs  to  arch)  I guess  not.  You  don  want  to  put  a rabbit 
foot  in  my  hand,  or  somethin’  like  dat. 

Jack.  Nonsense!  Now  you  come  here,  or  I’ll  throw  you  out  of 
that  window. 

Moses,  (aside)  Well,  1 guess  I’d  rather  be  noodoed  den  fro  wed 
from  a two  story  window,  (aloud)  Yes,  sail!  Lse  cornin’. 

(slow  walk 

Jack.  Hold  up  vour  hands.  (points  tog  pistol  at  him 

Moses.  Please  don’t  shoot,  Mi  stall  Jack,  1'se  got  dem  up.  (aside) 
I knows  I’se  getting  black  in  the  face. 

Jack,  (takes  large  razor  from  Moses’  'pocket)  This  is  ail  I w ant,  now 
skip, 


L CUES  8. 


7 


Moses,  You  bet.  l.  a. 

Jack.  Company,  up  with  your  parasols— 

It’s  only  on  these  pleasant  days 
That  we  are  able  to  make  a raise— 

(same  business  as  before)  Poetry — oh  for  a pencil. 

(fancy  drill— exeunt  c.  a. 

Enter  Mr.  Weary,  l.  e.,  carries  board  sign , back  of  it  to  audience. 

Weary.  I must  have  been  expected:  the  lady  of  the  house  even 
'went  so  faras  to  have  a sign  placed  upon  the  front  yard  fence  for  my 
direction,  (shows  sign)  “Tramps  received  at  rear  of  house.”  lam 
going  to  surprise  her  though.  I will  just  take  this  sign  and  put  it 
upon  the  back  fence;  then,  when  [ arrive,  I will  enter  through  the 
front  side  of  this  brown  stone  mansion,  and  if  there  is  any  objection 
to  my  super-numerous  person,  I’ll  just  refer  to  yonder  sign  on  the 
back  fence.  Oh!  that  I might  have  been  born  rich  instead  of 
beautiful,  that  I might  have  lived  in  this  land  of  milk  and — (sees 
bottle  of  hair  oil)  Oh,  oh,  oh!  so  you  are  here,  liquor  in  its  most 
treacherous  form.  Many  a time  have  I heard  my  poor  old  mother 
pray  that  her  boy  might  be  saved  from  ils  dreadful  curse. 
Since  that  time  I have  never  allowed  a drop  of  liquor  to  pass  my 
lips — (quickly)  1 always  nail  it  before  it  gets  further.  I guess  I’ll 
have  one.  (drinks,  disgusted)  Great  heaven’s,  that’s  hair  oil.  Little 
does  John  Stanton  think  that  his  defaulting  book-keeper  is  so  near 
his  grasp,  and  it  is  well  he  doesn’t,  for  even  I get  creepy  when  I 
think  of  it— but  now  to  business.  A young  lady  in  this  house  has 
in  her  possession  some  very  valuable  diamonds,  which  1 must  secure 
by  »fair  means  or  foul.  ( rooster  crow  outside)  Discovered,  (at  arch) 
a bad  omen,  someone  is  laying  for  me  (down  c.,  sees  safe)  My  stars! 
the  very  safe  that  old  Stanton  had  in  his  private  office  while  I was 
his  secretary.  No  doubt,  brought  here  for  his  daughter’s  jewels.  I 
wonder  if  1 remember  the  combination.  I’ll  try  it.  (music — sneaks 
to  doors , then  back  to  safe  and  icorks  combination)  One,  four,  three,  two.* 
twice  around,  back  to  ten.  Ah!  (door  opens)  the  diamonds,  (takes 
diamonds)  Now  for  my  escape,  (noise  outside)  What’s  that? 

Moses,  (outside)  Go  on  you  monkey  faced,  red-eyed,  lop-eared, 
dish-washer.  I say  you  are — you  are — (crash)  Oh!  (crash  repeated)  Oh! 

Cook,  (outside)  Sure  and  I’ll  break  yer  neck  if  ye  comes  spy  in’ 
around  here  any  more.  Yez  flat-nosed,  chalk-eyed,  pigeon-toed, 
spalpeened  Ethiopian. 

Weary.  That  sounds  like  trouble.  I must  hide — yes,  but  where 
— in  the  safe,  a good  place.  (gets  into  safe 

Enter  Moses,  l.  e. 

Moses,  (floured)  I’se  gwine  to  kill  dat  cook  sure.  Look  at  dat 
new  coat,  and — and  jes’  cos’  I said  she  looked  like  a zoological 
monkey,  she  don  pasted  me  with  dat  breadboard,  (carries  bread  boara 
broken  in  two)  but  i’se  gwine  to  gif  even.  (exit  r.  e. 

Weary,  (out  of  safe)  Wrell,  this  is  quite  a place.  You  can  bet  L 
won’t  get  mixed  up  with  any  of  these  servants,  and  especially -the 
Irish  cook.  The  blow  she  gave  that  coon  would  have  killed  a horse 
(door  bell  rings  outside)  What’s  that?  More  guests —well  here  is 


8 


LOUESS. 


where  I retire.  ( goes  into  safe 

Jack.  ( outside ) No,  no!  I say  no! 

Girls.  ( outside , ad.  lib.)  Oh!  please  Jack,  let  me  see  it — let  me 
have  it — just  a minute. 

Enter  Jack  and  Girls,  c.  e. 

Jack.  Girls,  you  are  all  too  young.  I insist  on  telling  you  that 
this  paper  was  printed  for  my  special  benefit,  therefore — 

( folding  paper 

Mar.  Oh  Jack!  let  me  see  it  just  once,  please. 

Jack.  Young  woman,  don’t  interrupt  me — as  I was  going  to  say, 
therefore,  you  must  not  look  at  it. 

( places  paper  in  pocket , Marquerette  sneaks  paper  and  goes  to  couch 

Violet.  My,  that  phosphate  was  good — Jack,  let  me  fix  your  lie. 

Ijouess.  I knew  that  he  would  only  buy  us  a glass  apiece. 

Rose.  Yes,  and  I did  not  see  him  pay  for  it,  either. 

Jack.  No,  nor  you  never  will,  either! 

Louess.  (sees  safe  open)  Oh  folks!  I went  away  and  left  this  safe 
open,  What  if  someone  had  stolen  my  diamonds?  ( shuts  safe  door 

Mar.  That  would  be  dreadful!  You  had  better  look  and  see  if 
they  are  there. 

Weary,  (aside,  speaking  through  opening  in  safe)  If  she  does,  I’ll 
faint. 

Jack.  Oh  nonsense!  no  one  has  been  here,  and  besides,  who  would 
steal  a lot  of  paste  diamonds. 

Butt.  Why  Jack,  you  are  awfully  mean,  those  jewels  are  beautiful. 

Louess.  Jack  Nife,  you  are  too  sharp. 

Jack.  Now  Louess,  don’t  get  angry.  I was  only  teasing. 

Aunt  Tild((.  ( outside , calling)  Kitty!  Kitty!  Kitty! 

Jack.  Who  in  the  world  is  that? 

Louess.  Why  that  is  Aunt  Tilda,  my  old-maiden  auntie.  She  just 
came  to-day  to  visit  papa,  and  Oil  Jack!  what  a spooner  she  would 
make  for  you. 

Jack.  Well,  that  voice  sounded  like  a country  fire-alarm. 

Rose.  Why  Jack,  how  dare  you? 

Violet.  He  dare  do  anything. 

Aunt  T.  ( outside , calling)  Kitty!  Kitty!  Kitty! 

Jack.  Oh  heavens,  that  voice!  Girls  listen — you  hide,  and  when 
she  comes  in,  I’ll  get  up  a flirtation  with  her.  What  do  you  say  to 
that? 

Louess.  I say,  no!  Remember,  she  is  my  auntie. 

Mar.  Do  Jack.  Louess,  it  will  be  a circus. 

Louess.  AY  ell  I’ll  permit  it  on  this  condition,  that  you  don’t  carry 
it  too  far.  (Jack  lying  on  sofa 

Aunt  T.  ( outside , calling)  Kitty!  Kitty!  Kitty! 

Violet,  (at  arch)  Hurry,  let  us  hide,  she  is  coming.- 

Louess . (behind  safe)  Now  Jack,  remember.  (Girls  hide 

Enter  Aunt  Tilda,  c.  e. 

Aunt  T.  Kitty!  Oh!  ahem!  ahem!  (aside,  seeing  Jack)  Isn’t  he 
sweet? 

Jack.  Oh!  If  I only  had  someone  to  love  and  some  dear  angel  tc 
return  it — (aside) 


LOUESS. 


P 


Young  or  old,  sweet  or  sour, 

I’d  be  the  happiest  fellow  of  the  hour — 

(same  business  as  before)  Poetry — Oh  for  a pencil. 

Aunt  T, '.  (aside)  Here  is  a chance,  I may  never  get  another. 
Weary,  (speaking  through  trumpet)  By  jingo,  I’m  smothering. 
Aunt  T.  Oh!  he  is  just  smothering  with  love!  I’ll  catch  him,  or 
never  get  a man — ahem! 

Jack,  (to  Aunt  Tilda)  Did  you  say  you  were  smothering? 

Aunt  T.  Why  no,  you  did. 

Jack.  Well,  in  fact,  I didn’t. 

Aunt  T.  You  surely  did,  I ju$t  heard  you. 

Jack.  Well,  maybe  I did.  (aside)  I’ll  never  wink  at  that  soda 
fountain  again,  (aloud,  crosses  to  Aunt  Tilda)  The  fact  is,  Hiss, 
I'm  in  love  and  can  find  no  one  to  reciprocate  it. 

Aunt  T.  (aside)  He’s  mine,  (aloud)  Oh!  you  dear  boy. 

(falls  in  Jack’s  arms 

Jack,  (amazed)  Great  heavens!  Girls,  come  quick! 

Aunt  T.  (gets  up)  Girls!  girls!  What  do  you  mean,  sir? 

Jack,  (soothingly)  I thought  you  were  fainting,  dearest,  and  was 
calling  for  help. 

Aunt  T.  Oh!  (falls  in  Jack’s  arms  again , he  smiles  faintly 

Enter  Moses,  c.  e.,  through  arch , sees  Aunt  Tilda  in  Jack’s  arms , exits 
c.  e.,  quickly . 

Louess.  (aside)  I wish  he  wouldn’t  hold  her  that  way,  the  silly 
old  thing. 

Jack.  (Aunt  Tilda  getting  heavy)  See  here,  old  lady,  I’m  not — 
Aunt  T.  (up)  What’s  that?  Old  lady7!  old  lady!  Oh!  how  cruel 
of  you,  and  after  such  a happy  courtship,  too. 

Jack,  (surprised)  What!  (aside)  Holy  smoke! 

Weary,  (speaking  through  opening)  I must  get  out  of  this  some 
way. 

Aunt  T.  What’s  that?  You  must  get  out  of  this?  Oh,  you 
wretch! 

Jack,  (to  Girls)  Who  said  that? 

Aunt  T.  You  did,  I just  heard  you.  How  dare  you  add  insult  to 
injury. 

Weary,  (speaks  through  opening)  I’ll  never  get  into  a scrape  like 
this  again. 

Aunt  T.  How  dare  you  speak  to  me  like  that?  (rushes  to  Jack 
Jack.  Shut  up.  Girls,  there’s  a man  in  this  room. 

Aunt  T.  (sarcastic)  I fail  to  see  him. 

Weary,  (through  opening)  Yes,  there  is.  (calls)  Help!  help! 

Girls  rushing  out  screaming , Aunt  Tn,T> a Joints  on  sofa , Jack  runs  to 
arch , hat  in  hand. 

Jack.  For  gracious  sake,  where  can  he  be! 

Louess.  Oh!  Jack,  there  is  someone  in  that  safe. 

Weary.  Discovered!  (Girls  scream 

Jack.  Stop  this  squealing.  Louess,  how  do  you  know  there  is  a 
man  in  that  safe? 

Louess.  That  is  where  the  voice  came  from. 


10  LOUESS . 

Jbrfc.  Well,  this  is  a novelt}r.  a man  in  the  safe,  {goes  to  safe) 
Hello!  you  in  the  safe? 

Weary.  ( trumpet  business)  Hello  yourself.  Say,  could  you  give  a 
poor  fellow,  what  ain’t  had  nothing  to  breathe  for  thirty  minutes,  a 
little  air. 

Jack.  Well,  what  in  the  devil  are  you  doing  in  there  any  vayi 
(Girls  shocked — aside)  I must  make  an  impression  on  him. 

Weary.  I’m  getting  pinched. 

Jack.  Well,  you  soon  shall  be.  {at  arch , calls)  Moses!  Moses! 

Enter  Moses,  c.  e.,  quickly. 

Moses.  Yas,  sah! 

Jack.  Go,  bring  all  the  weapons  you  can  find  in  the  house. 

Moses.  Yas,  sah!  {exit  c.  e.,  quickly. 

Mu  r.  J a c k , what  are  you  goi  n g to  do? 

Jack . Capture  that  theif  and  turn  him  over  to  the  United  States 
of  America.  {spoken  very  bravely 

Louess.  Oh  Jack!  I’m  so  afraid  he  will  get  away. 

Jack,  {extreme  bravery)  Don’t  fear,  1 will  face  him.  and  you  men, 
can  guard  the  doors.  {takes  of  his  coat 

Enter  Moses,  c.  e.,  with  knives , pistol,  old  gun,  etc. 

Moses.  Heh  they  is,  sah!  none  of  des  heh  guns  shoot  though. 

Jack,  {alarmed,  running  Moses  to  right  of  center)  Hush!  black 
face,  we  have  a desperado  in  that  safe. 

j\ loses.  Oh,  lawd!  ■ {exit  l.  e.,  quickly 

Weary,  {through  opening)  I wonder  if  they  are  going  to  kill  me. 
Jack,  {aside)  I’d  like  to  get  out  of  this  myself,  {aloud)  Now. 
men,  take  your  positions,  each  at  a door,  {louder)  if  he  attempts  to 
escape,  shoot  him  on  the  spot. 

Weary,  {through  opening)  I’ll  change  my  spots. 

■Louess.  Oh!  Jack,  I’m  so  afraid. 

Jack,  {alarmed)  Do  keep  quiet.  Now  listen!  Come  out  of  your 
rendezvous,  you  despicable  cur,  you  are  captured  and  must  sur- 
render. (Girls  laugh 

Louess.  Jack,  how  can  he  come  out? 

, Jack,  {aside)  I'm  an  idiot.  {kicks  himself 

Rose.  Louess,  don’t  you  know  the  combination? 

Louess.  Yes,  yes,  but  I’m  so  afraid. 

Jack,  {frig Idea ed)  Don’t  say  that,  it  might  give  him  courage. 
{loud,  {pretended  bravery)  Open  the  safe. 

Weary,  {through  trumpet)  Yes,  for  goodness  sake,  open  it;  I’m 
nearly  dead. 

Mar.  {sympathetically)  Poor  man. 

Jack.  { softly , aside)  That’s  only  a ruse,  be  more  alert  than  ever. 
{aloud)  Hurry,  Louess.  (rolls  up  sleeve 

Louess.  {at  safe,  counts)  One,  three,  four,  back  to  ten.  Oh!  Jack, 
will  he-  hurt  us? 

Jack.  No  indeed  he  won’t,  will  you  sport? 

Weary,  {through  opening)  No,  but  if  you  will  let  me  out,  I’ll  sing. 
Jack.  Good!  {music  cue)  Open  her  up. 

(Louess  opens  safe,  Weary  comes  out  and  sings  song 
Louess.  That  was  very  good.  Now  please  explain  how  you  got 
into  that  safe? 


LOUESS . 


11 


Weary.  Well,  fair  Miss,  for  me  to  explain  my  undesirable  desire 
to  enter  yonder  safe,  would  take  many  hours  of  diligent  research 
through  Webster’s  Unabridged  dictionary;  but  suffice  to  say,  that 
upon  hearing  your  approach  from  yonder  hall-way,  I determined  to 
place  myself  in  such  a position,  that  your  fair  eyes  would  not  be 
shocked  by  my  unshaven  visage,  and  seeing  no  other  refuge  at  the 
time  of  action,  I betook  myself  into  yonder  casket,  ( points  to  safe) 
but  now  to  the  real  point,  get  around  me  real  close,  {all  crowd  around 
him)  There  now,  don’t  move,  don’t  think,  don’t  breathe.  Listen! 
in  this  hand  I hold  your  treasured  diamonds.  {dramatic  pose 

Lou  ess.  Oh,  my! 

Weary.  Hush!  in  this,  a box  of  dynamite.  Now  in  the  words  of 
Booth,  {back  to  arch)  “Touch  me  if  you  dare.”  Ah — 

Weary  throws  up  box,  Jack  behind  safe , Girls  scream — exit  Weary,  c. 

e. — music. 

Jack,  {running  to  arch)  ’Tis  false,  that  is  not  dynamite,  but  saw” 
dust. 

Louess.  Oh  girls,  he  has  stolen  all  my  jewels. 

Butt.  The  villain. 

Jack.  I’ll  return  them  to  you,  if  I have  to  kill  that  hobo. 

{exit  c.  e.,  quickly 

Aunt  T.  {sits  up)  What’s  that.  When  he  faces  danger,.  I will 
follow.  { exit  c.  e.,  quickly — Girls  laugh 

Louess.  {at  arch)  Girls,  how  can  you  laugh  at  such  a time.  Just 
think  of  all  my  pretty  rings. 

Rose,  {at  window)  Yes,  dear,  but  Jack  will  bring  them  to  you. 
See,  there  they  go  now,  and  my,  what  a race. 

Mar.  Aunt  Tilda  isn’t  far  behind,  either. 

{shot  heard— music  stops 

Louess.  Oh  heavens!  I’m  afraid  Jack  will  kill  him. 

Violet.  Don’t  worry,  Louess,  Jack  couldn’t  hit  a freight  car,  let 
alone  a man. 

(Girls  at  window , Buttercup  on  a chair , looking  through  a telescope 

Butt.  See,  he  has  him. 

Rose.  Aunt  Tilda  is  holding  him  tight,  too. 

Mar.  Yes,  poor  man,  he  can’t  escape  now. 

Louess.  Oh!  I'm  so  happy,  and  girls,  just  think,  how  well  we  were 
armed.  We  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  look  the  poor  fellow  in  the  face. 

Violet.  I am.  Here  I had  a great  big  knife  and  forgot  all  about  it. 

Rose.  Here  they  come.  (Girls  form  on  each  side  the  <3.  music 

Butt.  Let  us  give  them  a cheer! 

Enter  Jack,  Weary  and  Aunt  Tilda,  c.  e. 

Louess.  Hip,  hip,  girls  cheer!  {very  weak  cheer 

Weary.  Oh  my!  what  an  awful  demonstration. 

Aunt  T.  (Jack  and  Aunt  Tilda  bow)  Well  dears,  we  have  him. 

Weary.  Yes  ladies,  she  has  me. 

Jack.  Well,  you  gave  us  a hard  chase,  now  hand  over  the  dia- 
monds to  that  young  lady. 

Weary,  {sadly)  Young  man,  1 cannot,  they  are  there  on  the  floor. 

Louess.  What  do  you  mean  ? 

Weary,  {sadly)  I threw  the  wrong  box. 

U.  OF  ILL  UB. 


12  LOURS 8 . 

Aunt  T.  Oh!  you  silly  boy. 

(Louess  picks  up  the  package  of  diamonds 
Weary,  {aside,  goes  to  l.  c.)  I must  stop  this,  the  old  boxer  is  fall- 
ing in  love  with  me. 

lioness.  My  good  man,  how  can  I ever  repay  you  for  so  generous 
a mistake? 

Jack.  Yes,  let  ns  do  something  for  you.  {aside)  I must  get  even 
for  that  blow  he  gave  me  when  I caught  him.  {aloud)  Come  girls, 
I have  a proposition. 

Weary.  Let  me  eat  it. 

Jack.  I will  count  out,  and  the  one  on  whom  the  last  word  falls, 
shall  invite  Mr.  Boozer — 

Weary.  Weary,  sir!  Weary — 

Jack.  Shall  invite  Mr.  Weary  out  to  take  a drink.  (Weary fails 
on  Jack’s  shoulder)  Brace  up  old  man,  don’t  misunderstand  me,  I 
mean  soda  water. 

Louess.  {to  Girls)  That  will  be  fun,  won’t  it? 

Rose.  You  bet. 

Butt.  I’m  willing. 

Weary.  Oh!  how  kind  of  you. 

Jack.  Don’t  mention  it.  {aside)  I’ll  get  him  with  the  old  maid 
or  die.  {aloud)  Now  girls,  are  you  ready? 

Girls,  {ad.  lib.)  lam.  Yes.  So  am  i.  You  bet. 

Aunt  T.  Yes,  we ‘re  ready. 

Weary,  {aside)  Oh  heavens!  - 

Jack.  All  right,  here  goes.  Eeny,  meeny,  miny  mo, 

Enter  Moses,  c.  e. 

catch  a nigger  by  the  toe,  {exit  Moses,  c.  e.,  quickly)  if  he  hollers,  let 
him  go,  eenv,  meeny,  miny,  mo.  {end  w it h Aunt  Tilda 

Aunt  T.  I’m  the  lucky  bird. 

Weary,  {aside)  I wish  I had  some  salt. 

Louess.  Oh!  Auntie,  won’t  you  be  afraid? 

Aunt  T.  Louess,  your  auntie  may  be  a woman,  but  she  ain’t  seed 
no  man  that  ever  skeered  her  yet.  Come  on,  Mr.  Weary,  I’ll  stick  to 
the  bargain. 

Jack.  A woman  is  always  looking  for  bargains- 
Weary,  {at  arch)  Young  man,  you  have  done  it  now. 

{exit  c.  e.  with  Aunt  Tilda 
Jack,  {laughs)  Revenge  is  sweet.  Girls,  I fixed  that  up,  to  get 
even,  with  him  for  a blow  he  struck  me  here.  {places  hand, on  belt 
Louess.  Yes,  but  Jack,  Aunt  Tilda  ought  to  have  company. 

Butt.  Indeed  she  had.  Come  girls,  we  will  see  that  no  harm 
comes  to  her. 

Mar.  Perhaps  we  had  better  follow  them.  (Girls  qet  their  hats 
Violet.  We  will  hurry  back,  Louess.  Good-bye. 

Ijouess.  Yes,  do  hurry.  Jack  and  I will  await  your  return. 

Rose.  Well,  you  must  promise  not  to  spoon. 

Butt.  What  a foolish  thing  to  asic. 

Louess.  Girls,  do  stop  your  teasing. 

Jack.  Yes,  for  heaven’s  sake,  get  out. 

Violet.  We  are  going,  Mr.  Nile.  Good-bye,  Louess. 

{exit  Girls,  c.  e. 

Louess.  {at  arch)  Good-bye  girls.  Now  hurry  back. 


-LOUES  a. . IS 

Girls,  (< outside ) We  will.  Good-bye. 

Louess.  Good-bye.  (goes  to  couch 

Butt,  (outside)  Oh!  come  on. 

(J  ack  at  arch  says  good-bye  till  door  slams . Louess  on  couch 

Jack,  (aside)  'Thank  goodness,  they  are  gone,  (pause,  aloud)  At 
last,  Louess,  we  are  alone. 

Louess.  Yes,  Jack.  (Moses  appears  at  arch  and  listens 

Jack.  Little  girl,  last  night  you  promised  to  be  my  wife. 

Louess.  1 did.  Jack,  and  meant  it,  too. 

Jack.  I’m  sure  you  did,  but  Louess,  the  conditions,  I can’t  wait 
until  1 graduate — i — I — (sits  on  couch  with  Louess 

Louess.  What  can  we  do? 

Jack.  Elope. 

Moses,  (aside)  Foh  de  laws  sake,  I’se  gwine  to  tell  de  boss. 

(exit  c.  E< 

Louess.  Oh!  Jack,  what  would  mamma  say? 

Jack.  “Go  darling,  a splendid  catch,  he’s  worth  getting.” 

Louess.  Why  Jack. 

Jack.  That’s  just  about  what  she'd  sav. 

L>ouess.  YTes,  but  papa,  what  do  you  think  he’d  say? 

Jack.  Oh!  he  would  say,  “Well  enough”: — but  what  do  you  say? 

Louess.  (very  decided)  I'm  your  girl,  but  where  shall  we  go? 

Jack.  Gee!  .1  never  thought  of  that.  I have  it,  let  us  go  to 
Washington. 

Jjouess.  Among  all  those  politicians?  Never! 

Jack.  Then  to  1 3os to i i . 

Louess.  Delightful,  but  Jack,  oil  what,  and  where  shall  we  live? 

Jack.  Well,  1 have  a little  bank  account  of  my  own,  and  then, 
you  have  all  your  rings  and  jewels — and — . - 

Louess.  Oh!  but  dear,  L wouldn’t  think  of  selling  them. 

Jack.  I’m  aware  of  that,  but  then,  you  know  your  father  will  take 
us  back  in  a day  or  so,  and  then — 

Louess.  Then  what? 

. Jack.  Why  then,  we  can  live  with  him. 

Louess.  How  thoughtful  of  you,  but  when  shall  vve  go? 

Jack.  Now. 

Louess.  Oli  my!  so  soon?  You  remember,  we  must  have  a 
license. 

Jack.  By  jove!  I forgot  all  about  the  license.  Now  listen,  I’ll 
hurry  down  to  old  Parson  Brown,  (aside)  I’m  a natural  born  poet. 
(aloud)  Get  the  license,  bring  him  up  here  and  have  him  marry  us 
before  we  go. 

Louess.  Oh!  but  lie’s  such  a fidgety  old  preacher.  Why  not  Kev, 
Gobel  or  Rev.  Smith,  or — 

Jack.  Louess  dear,  Parson  Brown  is  the  very  person  we  want,  he 
won’t  see  our  elopement  until  it’s  all  over,  the  other  might. 

Jjouess.  Jack,  you  are  right.  Now  hurry,  I’ll  be  ready  in  half  an 
hour. 

Jack.  Half  an  hour?  Great  scott!  (at  arch)  I’ll  be  back  in  ten 
minutes.  (exit  c.  e. 

Jjouess.  (at  arch)  Oh!  isn’t  he  just  a dear!  Just  think  I’m  going 
to  be  married,  and  so  soon  too.  Oh!  won’t  papa  be  surprised,  (look-, 
ing  off)  Jack  is  fairly  running.  1 must  hurry,  (exit,  x..  e. 


u LOUESS. 

Enter  Mr.  StAnton  and  Moses,  r.  E. 

Mr.  S.  Going  to  elope,  hey? 

Moses.  Yessah!  L don  heard  em  makin’  ’rangments. 

Mr.  S.  Well,  I’ll  soon  settle  this.  That  young  rascal.  Jack  Nife, 
cannot  keep  himself,  let  alone  a wife,  and  1 don't  want  my  gal  to 
marry  anyway.  Moses — 

Moses.  Yes  sah ! 

Mr.  8.  Don’t  permit  anyone  to  leave  this  house  while  I am  gone. 

I shall  telephone  for  a policeman.  Do  you  hear? 

Moses  Yes  sah!  1 heah  Mr.  Stanton,  1 heah. 

Mr.  S.  Well,  don’t  forget.  (exit  c. E. 

Moses.  Yessah!  1 — I doan  like  dis  heh  job,  how  is  I gwine  to 
keep  folks  from  leavin'  des  heh  house?  I wish  1 done  keep  my 
mouth  shut.  Oh  golly!  heh  comes  Miss  Louess  now 

Enter  Louess,  l.  e. 

Louess.  Well  Moses,  what  are  you  doing? 

Moses,  (at  arch , shaking)  I’se  hope  in’. 

Louess.  Hopei ng,  hopeing  what? 

Moses.  Pat  you  won’t  try  to  leave  des  heh  house. 

Louess.  Why  Moses,  you  frighten  me,  what  do  you  mea/i? 

Moses.  - 1 mean  dat  Mr.  Stanton  said  dat  I was  to  keep  yon  heh  till 
become  back,  and  l’se  gwine  to  do  it. 

Louess.  (aside)  We  are  discovered.  Oh  gracious,  what  can  we 
do  now,  papa  has  discovered  all.  Oh!  .lack,  jack!  (at  table , weeps 

Moses.  Please  don’t  cry,*  Miss  Louess,  I’se  very  sorry,  ’deed  I is. 

Jack,  (outside)  Right  this  way,  Parson. 

Moses.  Oh!  golly,  there’s  Mr.  Jack. 

Enter  Jack  and  Parson  Brown,  c.  e. 

Jack.  Why  Louess,  what  is  the  meaning  of  this? 

Louess.  Oil!  Jack,  papa — papa — (tceeps 

Jack.  You  don’t  mean  that  he  has  changed  your  mind? 

Louess.  No,  no!  he  has  discovered  everything. 

Jack.  The  deuce  he  has! 

Parson  B.  (standing  at  arch)  Pray,  what  is  the  trouble,  can  I as- 
sist you  in  anyway  ? 

Jack.  No,  not  at  present.  Be  seated,  please.  I’ll  settle  this  little 
difficulty  in  a minute,  (to  Louess)  Louess,  how  do  you  know  we 
are  discovered? 

Lioness.  Moses  has  orders  to  watch  the  house. 

Jack.  That  confounded  coon.  Moses,  come  here,  (at  it.  c.  Did 
you  hear  the  arrangements  1 made  with  Louess  about  eloping  ? 

Moses,  (frightened)  Yes  sah!  just  a part  of  it. 

Jack.  And  you  told  Mr.  Stanton  ? (takes  out  revolver 

Moses,  (on  knees)  Yessah!  please  don’t  shoot  Mistah  Jack,  Tse  a 
good  nigger— please — oh  please. 

Jack.  Dry  up— now  you  gave  this  thing  away,  and  I’m  going  to 
punish  you.  Come  here.  " (goes  to  window 

Moses.  What  you  gwine  to  do,  Mistah  Jack?  Please  don’t  kill  dis 
niggar.. 

Jack.  I’m  not  going  to  kill  you  yet.  Come  here. 

Moses.  Please  Mistah  Jack,  I’se  very  sorry  I done  said  something, 


LOU  ESS. 


15 


’deed  I is,  I’se  very  sorry.  {goes  in  bay  window 

Jack.  Now  if  you  move  or  make  a sound  to  attract  attention.  I'm 
going  to  shoot  you,  do  you  understand?  Shoot  you  as  l would  a 
crow.  (M  OSES  frightened 

Maxes.  I won’t  make  no  sound,  Mistah  Jack,  honest,  I won’t  sav 
a word  until  you  is  gone. 

Jack,  (draw*  curtain  together ) Well,  see  that  you  don’t.  Now 
Parson,  we  are  ready. 

Louess.  Yes,  Parson  Brown,  please  hurry,  every  minute  is  valuable. 

Parson  B.  Why,  my  dear  children,  there  must  be  two  witnesses 
to  this  marriage. 

Jack.  The  devil! 

Parson  B.  What? 

Louess.  He  said  “Two,  a double.”  ....... 

Jack.  Yes,  yes,  you  see— we  will  get  them. 

Parson  B.  To  be  sure,  {to  Louess)'  My  dear,  your  parents  are 
the  proper  persons  to  see  this  wedding  solemnized. 

Louess.  Yes,  1 know — you  see — you  see — ■ 

Jack.  Yes,  you  -see — 

Enter  Aunt  Tilda  and  Weary,  l.  e. 

Ah!  here  are  two. 

Parson  B.  {to  Aunt  Trim  a and  Weaky)  Yes,  you’ll  do. 

Weary.  Will  we?  {surprised 

Aunt  T.  You’re  rather  fresh,  how  do  you  know  we’ll  do? 

{haughtily. 

Louess.  {embraces  her)  Oh!  Auntie,  I’m  so  glad  you  are  here. 
Jack  and  I are  going  to  be  married,  you  and  Mr,  Weary  shall  be  the 
witnesses. 

Weary.  With  pleasure,  Miss. 

Aunt  T.  (IoJaok)  What’s  that,  you  who  so  grossly  insulted  me 
only  an  hour  ago,  going  to  marry  this  little  angel;  you  don’t  deserve 
tier  sir!  you  don’t  deserve  her. 

. Lo  uess . Now  Auntie — 

Aunt  T.  But  1 forgive  you  dear,  I forgive  you. 

Weary.  We  give  you  our  blessing.  {profound  boto 

Parson  B.  Very  well,  are  you  ready? 

Jack.  Yes,  do  hurry. 

Parson  B.  Join  hands — so,  {to  Louess)  do  you’ take  this  man  to 
be  your  lawful  wedded  spouse,  to  love,  obey  and  neatly  keep  his 
house? 

Louess.  I do. 

Parson  B.  Do  you  take  this  woman  to  be  your  lawful  wedded 
wife,  to  cherish  and  protect  through  all  this  world  of  strife? 

Jack.  1 do. 

Parson  B.  Then  by  this  sacred  wedding  ring — (Weaky  rings  hand 
bell , Pahson  begins  again)  Then  by  this  sacred  Wedding  ring,  which 
you  shall  wear  through  life,  {places  ring  on  Louess’  finger)  before  our 
ponderous  universe,  I pronounce  you  man  and  wife. 

Aunt  T.  Oh!  how  nice. 

Weary.  Yes  dear,  our  turn  is  next. 

Aunt  Tilda,  Parson  Brown  and  Weaky  go  to  table  and  sign  certi “ 

ficate. 

Jack.  Louess,  the  deed  is  done,  no  one  can  separate  us  now. 


LOUESS. 


18 

We  are  two  souls  with  but  a single  thought, 

Two  hearts  that  beat  as  one. 

{same  business  as  before)  Poetry,  O!  for  a pencil. 

Weary.  Henceforth  you  must  pay  her  board  bill. 

Jack.  I will  gladly  do  that.  /- 

Louess.  I’m  so  glad  it’s  all  over.  (Louess  and  Jack  converse 

Weary,  {to  Parson)  Pll  have  to  make  my  mark. 

Parson  B.  That’s  all  right,  I will  witness  it. 

Aunt  T.  Yes,  or  I can  sign  for  both  of  us. 

Weary.  What,  forge  my  name?  Never — never!  {signs)  There 
the  cer — 

Aunt  T.  Tif— 

Parson  B.  I — 

Weary.  Cate  is  signed. 

Parson  B.  Yes,  and  well  signed  too.  {to  Jack)  Now  my  boy,  I 
congratulate  you  and  wish  you  success  and  happiness  through  life— 
{pause)  May  1 kiss  the  bride? 

Jack.  Certainly,  certainly,  {aside)  The  old  Mormon. 

Parson  B.  {kisses  Louess)  Ah!  Jove,  that  makes  me  feel  young 
again. 

Weary,  {aside)  Here  is  a chance  for  me.  {starts  toward  Louess, 
aloud)  1 presume  1 may  also — 

Aunt  T.  {jerking  him  back)  You  have  presumed  too  soon.  How 
dare  you—  {back  to  arch , Parson  looking  at  pictures  on  table , etc. 

Parson  B.  {takes  picture)  Poor  man. 

Jack.  Now  dearest,  let  us  fly. 

Louess.  Jack,  how  can  we? 

Jack.  I mean,  let’s  skip.  If  we  don’t  hurry  and  get  away,  there 
won’t  be  any  elopement  about  this  affair  at  all. 

Moses.  Golly,  Mistah  Jack,  I’se  getting  tired. 

Jack.  Well,  you  stay  there  a little  longer  and  then  I will  let  you 
go. 

Moses.  Pse  very  much  obliged. 

Louess.  Come  Jack,  help  me  get  my — our  trunk.  {exit  r.  e. 

Jack.  It  is  packed?  Good  for  you.  {exit  r.  e. 

Parson  Brown  saunters  toioard  window , Moses  looks  over  the  top  of  the 
curtains  as  Parson  looks  behind — repeat  twice — both  stare  at  each 
other.  - 

Parson  B.  My  good  man.  are  you  ill?  You  look  pale. 

Moses,  {looking  over  curtains)  Yes,  I’se  very  sick — dat  is,  I’se  sick 
of  my  job,  how  would  you  like  to  be  cooped  up  in  heh  like  a sellin’ 
hen  ? 

Parson  B.  Why,  what  do  you  mean?  You  are  not  compelled  to 
stay  here,  are  you? 

Moses.  ’Deed  1 is,  Parson.  Is — is — Mistah  Jack  gone?  Sure! 

Parson  B.  {on  chair , close  up  to  Moses)  Yes,  yes,  but  pray,  why 
do  you  have  to  stay  here  caged  like  a bird? 

Moses.  I don  told  about  Miss  Louess  and  Mistah  Jack  ’lopin’  and 
he  done  made  me  get  in  hell,  and  if  I move  or  make  a sound,  L get 
shoot  ed. 

Parson  B.  You  don’t  mean  to  say  the  marriage  I just  performed, 
was  an  elopement?  ^ 


LOUESS . 


11 


Moses.  Course  it  was,  man. 

Parson  B.  {jerks  picture  over  Moses  head  and  runs  for  hat)  Merci- 
ful heavens!  1 must  fly — fly  — 

Aunt  T.  What  is  the  matter,  Parson? 

Parson  B.  Woman,  {at  arch ) 1 am  a dead  man,  I must  fly — 

{tXlt  O.  E. 

Weary.  Well,  he  is  certainly  the  liveliest  dead  man  I ever  saw. 
I didn’t  think  whiskers  could  leave  so  fast. 

Aunt  T.  My!  oh  my!  1 don’t  blame  h'm  for  flying.  If  John 
Stanton  don’t  kill  him  before  morning,  I’m  no  judge  of  human 
nature. 

Weary,  {excited)  Don’t  say  that — think  of  it,  I have  my  mark  on 
that  certificate. 

Aunt  T.  Yes,  and  mine  too.  Oh  heavens!  what  if  he  should  kill 
us  all.  {lays  her  head  on  Weary’s  shoulder 

Weary.  Don’t  fear,  while  there  is  an  ounce  of  lime  in  this  ossified 
system,  1 will  protect  you.  {aside.)  Oh!  if  mamma  could  only  see  us. 

Moses,  {head  up,  aside)  I bet  de  folks  in  dis  here  picture  think  a 
cyclone  struck ’em.  {sees  Aunt  Tilda  and  Weary)  Oh!  fob  hebben 
sake.  {gets  head  down,  bell  rings 

Aunt  T.  There  are  the  girls;  they  said  they  would  be  back  soon. 

• {goes  to  arch 

Weary.  Yes,  too  soon,  {aside)  I’m  going  to  propose  to  that  and 
settle  down.  {sits  with  feet  cocked  upon  sofa 

Moses,  {aside,  head  up)  It  would  be  a good  idea  if  he’d  settle  up. 

{head  down 

Enter  Girls,  c.  e. 

Aunt  T.  {motions  silence)  Sh — ! {down  c.,  all  tiptoe  doicn  stage 
Mar.  Well  Auntie,  what  is  the  trouble? 

Aunt  T.  Children,  I’ve  something  awful  to  communicate. 

Violet.  Oh ! {alarmed 

Girls.  What  is  it?  {whispered)  Another  man  in  the  safe? 

Aunt  T.  {excited  and  a little  louder)  Louess  has— has  — has  — - 
Rose,  {louder)  Yes,  yes—  {excited 

Weary,  {louder)  No,  no — 

Aunt  T.  {with  a little  scream)  Has  eloped. 

Girls.  Oh ! {astonished 

Moses,  {head  up,  aside)  I can’t  elope. 

Mar.  Eloped  with  whom? 

Aunt  T.  With  Jack.  They  are  tied  up  harder  than  a bow  knot. 
Butt.  Oh!  the  deceitful  girl. 

Violet.  Well,  she  told  us  about  Jack  proposing — 

Rose.  Yes,  and  didn’t  say  whether  she  accepted  him  or  not. 

Mar.  That’s  true,  but  where  are  they? 

Weary,  {at  arch)  Here  they  come  now,  and  Oh,  stars!  what  a 
wardrobe.  {music 

Enter  Jack  and  Louess,  c.  e.,  carrying  a doll  trunk. 

Jack,  {doicn  c.)  Well  girls,  we  are  a untt. 

Rose.  Yes,  and  you  didn’t  wait  for  us. 

Louess.  No,  we  couldn’t,  could  we  Jack? 

Butt.  And  why? 


18 


LOVE  S3. 


Jack.  Well,  von  see  my  father-in-law  was  looking  for  us  at  the 
time  and  everything  had  to  be  rushed. 

Weary,  {aside)  Except  the  growler. 

Aunt  T.  Oh  my  yes!  they  had  to  hurry.  Mr.  Weary  and  I were 
the  witnesses. 

Jack.  Quite  true,  and  I forgot  to  thank  you,  which  I now  do  with 
all  my  heart. 

Aunt  T.  Oh  don’t  mention  it. 

Weary.  Oh  don’t  mention  it,  that  was  only  a dress  rehearsal  for 
our  big  show. 

Jack.  No  doubt,  but  now  we  must  bid  you  all  good-bye. 

Rose.  Oh!  you  are  not  going  away  so  soon? 

Louess.  Yes.  dear,  we  must.  Remember,  this  is  an  elopement. 

Jack.  Nothing  under  heaven  can  stop  us  now. 

Aunt  T.  No,  nothing  but — 

Mr.  S.  ( outside , calls)  Louess!  Louess! 

Aunt  T.  That — 

Louess.  Oh  Jack,  there  is  papa. 

Jack.  I'm  aware  of  the  fact, 

Moses.  ( aside , looking  over  curtain  with  frame  still  over  Ms  head)  Now 
watch  the  fun — golly ! 

Mr.  S.  (outside)  Louess!  Louess,  where  in  darnation  is  that  gal? 

Enter  Mr.  Stanton,  c.  e. 

Ah!  here  you  are.  What  is  the  meaning  of  this,  why  don’t  you 
answer  me  when  l call  you? 

Louess.  Why — papa — 1— 

Mr.  S.  I ask,  what  is  the  meaning  of  this?  Here  I’ve  rum  aged 
the  whole  house  over  lookin’  for  you,  and  now  find  you  in  your 
private  boudoir,  with  a lot  of  would-be-actresses  and  loafers? 

Jack.  Why  father — 

Mr.  S.  What!  father!  father!  Don’t  you  father  me,  you  im- 
pudent young  puppy,  I’ll  turn  you  across  my  knee,  sir! 

Aunt  T.  Now  John,  don’t  be  hard  on  the  children.  You  should — 

Mr.  S.  Shut  up!  I don’t  want  anyone  to  speak.  I demand  an 
explanation.  Why  is  this  gathering  here  in  my  house?  Is  this  the 
way  you  rehearse  your  comedy,  is  that  trunk  in  the  play,  (to  Louess) 
do  you  wear  that  traveling  costume? 

Violet.  Tell  him,  Jack. 

Mr.  S.  Well,  hang  me,  if  I don’t  know  why  you  are  gathered  here 
in  my  house,  I’ll  tear  you  all  limb  from  limb. 

Jack , ( bravado ) Well  sir!  1 have  just  married  your  danghter. 

Mr.  S.  ( astonished ) Louess!  Louess,  is  this  true? 

Louess.  Yes,  papa,  it  is.  Jack  has  the  certificate — I love  him. 

Mr.  S.  You  do,  hey!  Well  by  cracky,  you’ll  unlove  him.  (goes  to 
arch)  Police!  Police! 

Weary,  (aside)  1 think  I’ll  get  out  of  here.  (goes  to  arch 

Enter  Police,  c.  e.,  tote  W kaky  by  collar  and  comes  down  e\  — music. 

Police,  (attitude)  And  sure  and  phat  is  the  maining  of  this  noise? 

(soft  music 

Jack.  Arrest  that  man.  ( points  to  Mr.  Stanton)  Louess,  come. 

Mr.  S.  What,  you  dare?  _____ 


LOUESS. 


1 $ 


jack.  Yes,  anything.  Louess,  come. 

(Jack  takes  trunk  and  goes  to  l.  c.,  Kith  Louess 
Mr.  8.  (in  a rage)  Moses,  do  your  duty. 

Moses  com es  from  behind  curtains , hands  Mr.  Stanton  a package  of 

dynamite. 

Moses.  Blow  ’em  up. 

Mr.  8.  What’s  this?  Great  heaven’s,  that  is  dynamite. 

Mk.  Stanton  throws  package  to  Weary  at  arch , who  in  turn  throws  it 
down  stairs — explosion — Girls  scream — Moses  falls  on  knees , hands 
clasped  and  extended — Police  gets  into  safe , Violet  shuts  door  on 
his  neck — Cook  runs  past  arch , then  enters  arch , dress  all  tarn — - 
Weary  on  knees.  Aunt  Tilda  patting  his  head — Girls  alarmed. 

Mr.  8.  Great  scott,  the  cook!  (jtoud  music 

Cook.  Where’s  the  naggur?  (flourishes  rolling-pin 

CURTAIN. 


] ACT  II. 

SCENE.  — Office  interior — window  r.  c.,  hat  rack  near  window,  door  l. 
c.,  safe  r.  upper  corner,  chair  near  by,  r.  and  l.  entrances,  table  and 
three  chairs  near  l.  e.,  telephone  down  l.,  desk,  chair  a ml  screen  down 
r.  corner — Mr.  Stanton  at  stand,  head  bandaged,  very  distressed. 

Mr  8.  Oh!  such  a time  as  I have  had,  awake  all  night,  now  up, 
now  down  like  a captured  pheasant  at  a bird  show;  then  when  I did 
sleep,  I dreamed  of  nothing*  but  big  silver  stars  and  blue  coats,  and 
explosions  and  folding  beds,  and— oh!  my  head.  ( pause)  That  young* 
Jack  Nile,  the  scoundrel,  lias  robbed  me  of  the  treasure  1 cherished 
most  dear,  but  L will  get  even  yet;  he  shall  pay  for  this.  My  kitchen 
blown  to  smithereens,  my  cook  still  lingering  in  the  jaws  of  death, 
my  own  sister  in  love  with  an  absconding  bookkeeper,  and  above  all 
my  faithful  Moses  gone,  and , goodness  knows  where — oh!  my  poor 
head,  (pause)  They  will  come  back,  they  must  come  back,  and 
when  they  do,  I’ll  be  hanged  if  I don’t  ring — (telephone  rings)  for  au 
officer. 

Enter  Jimmy,  l.  e. 

Jimmy,  (goes  to  phone)  Hello— yes — what  do  you  vant?  Yes,  he 
is  here— all  right,  (to  Mr.  Stanton)  Mr.  Stanton,  a gentleman 
wishes  to  speak  to  you. 

Mr.  8.  Oh  these  infernal  telephones,  (goes  to  phone)  Well — hello 
yourself — didn’t  the  boy  tell  you  that  I was  here?  You  wanted  to 
be  sure?  (aside)  Oh!  my  poor  head,  (aloud)  No  darn  you,  I said 
1 wish  I was  dead — good  day,  sir!  {rings  off ) Jimmy,  if  anyone 
rings  again,  tell  them  I’m  not  in  -do  you  hear?  Not  in. 

Jimmy.  Yes,  sir! 

Mr.  8.  Well,  you  may  go,  (Jimmy  starts  to  go)  and  Jimmy— 

Jimmy . Yes,  sir! 

Mr.  8.  Should  anyone  call  again,  answer  their  questions  to  the 


LOUESS . 


20 

best  of  your  ability.  I’ll  be  hanged  if  I can  talk  to  some  blabbering 
idiot  over  a phone  to-day — do  you  hear — to-day. 

Jimmy . Yes,  sir! 

Mr.  8.  Well,  you  may  go.  (Jimmy  starts)  And  Jimmy — (Jimmy 
stops)  and  Jimmy — for  goodness  sake,  can  you  not  answer? 

Jimmy.  Yes,  sir! 

Mr.  8.  Great  scott!  can’t  you  say  anything  else  but  yes  sir! 

Jimmy.  Yes  sir! 

Mr.  8.  { louder ) Great  Michael!  stop  that,  stop  that!  you  make 
my  head  ache  with  your  yes  sirs!  After  this  I want  no  sir!  do  you 
hear?  No  sir! 

Jimmy.  No  sir!  {emphasize  no 

Mr.  8.  {loud,  takes  out  roatch)  What!  do  you  mean  to  tell  me  you 
did  not  hear  what  l said?  {whirling  watch 

Jimmy.  No  sir!  {exit  l.  e.,  on  a run 

Mr.  8.  ( louder ) What!  I’ll  discharge  you.  {throws  watch  through 

door , glass  crash — sits  in  despair)  There — there  goes  a fifty  dollar 
watch  and  a twenty  dollar  window  light — oh!  my  poor  head.  I've 
heard  of  trouble  coming  double,  and  I’m  sure  of  it  now.  {door  bell 
rings)  Who  in  the  devil  is  that?  Great  heavens,  what  determina- 
tion. {calls)  Jimmy!  Jimmy!  {bell  stops 

Enter  Jimmy,  l.  e. 

Jimmy.  No,  sir! 

Mr.  8.  Answer  that  call  and  tell  the  party  that  I’m  out  hunting. 

Jimmy.  What  kind? 

Mr.  8.  What  kind?  What  kind?  Do  you  dare  question  me? 
Tell  them  I'm  shooting  stars,  or  snipes — anything  but  the  truth. 

Jimmy.  Yes  sir!  l—l — no  sir!  All  right  sir!  Shall  I place  the 
screen  ? {bell  rings  again 

Mr.  8.  Yes,  and  for  gracious  sake,  hurry!  {sits  at  desk , Jimmy 
places  screen)  I’ll  have  to  buy  a new  bell  in  the  morning. 

Jimmy,  {at  door)  Well,  what  is  it? 

i Enter  Aunt  Tilda,  c.  e. 

Aunt  T.  What  is  it?  That’s  a nice  question  for  a boy  in  your 
place  to  ask  a young  duck  like  me. 

Mr.  8:  {aside)  An  old  goose. 

Aunt  T.  I’ll  tell  you.  it  {points  to  herself)  wants  ter  know  if  John 
Stanton  has  been  here  to-day  or  not? 

Jimmy.  Yes,  ma’am,  he  is  here— (Mr.  Stanton  excited)  and  gone. 

Aunt  T.  Gone?  Where  to? 

Jimmy.  A— a — a — hunting  snipes. 

Aunt  T.  What?  I’ll  have  you  understand  my  brother  doesn’t 
chew,  and  I never  seen  a pipe  in  his  face. 

Mr.  8.  {aside)  It’s  always  on  the  outside. 

Jimmy.  You  misunderstand  me,  Miss,  1 mean  birds,  and  we  don’t 
expect  him  back  before  to-morrow  night. 

Mr.  8.  {aside,  gleefully)  I'll  give  him  a raise  for  that. 

Aunt  T.  {at  table)  Out  killing  birds.  Well.  1 knew  something 
would  have  to  suffer.  It’s  the  most  outlandish  thing  1 ever  heard  of, 
the  idea  of  that  old  snaping  turtle  a goin’  hunting,  when  his  only 
daughter  has  jist  eloped — beats  me.  Well,  it  don’t  matter  to  me 
whether  l get  to  see  him  or  not,  I don’t  care  much  about  seeing  the 


L0UES8. 


SI 

old  bear  anyway.  (takes  off  shatcl 

Mr.  S.  (aside)  Just  listen  to  that,  and  in  my  own  private  office — 
oh!  my  poor  head. 

Aunt  T.  I’m  going  to  sit  down  and  wait  here  anyway.  I’ve  got 
a very  particular — engagement — (aside)  C^h!  how  did  1 dare  say  that? 
{aloud)  I mean,  I’m  going  to  meet  a young  man  here,  and  1 expect 
him  any  moment.  ( takes  < ff  hat 

Jimmy,  (aside)  Holy  smoke!  I guess  she  means  it  too.  Now 
won’t  there  be  a circus.  (exit  l.  e. 

Aunt  T.  Of  all  the  mean,  cross  grained,  unphilosoph ical,  igno- 
minious old  creatures  that  I ever  heard  of,  John  Stanton  takes  the 
cracker  shop.  1 never  seen  a man  cut  up  sich  capers  since  cousin 
Simon  fell  in  the  cistern.  I tried  to  reconcile  him,  and  dear,  good, 
kind,  generous  Mr.  Weary  tried,  but  to  no  avail.  He  is  a regular 
old  guerrilla,  and — (telephone  rings)  Why,  what’s  that?  Oh.  it’s  one 
of  them  telephones — I wonder  if  it’s  a man.  (goes  to  phone)  I’ll  listen 
— oh!  it’s  talking — oh!  you  naughty  man. 

Mr.  8.  (looking  over  screen)  I wish  he  would  cuss. 

Aunt  T.  What!  vou  would  like  to  kick — oh! — the  wretch,  the 
villain!  the  monster!  the  brute!  (screams,  sits  on  chair  l.  of  table 

Enter  Jimmy,  l.  e.,  Mr.  Stanton  laughs , Jimmy  runs  to  screen , when 
Mr.  Stanton  laughs  and  motions  silence  with  hand.  Aunt  Tilda 
looks  at  Jimmy,  who  in  turn  begins  motion  of  laughing — Mr.  Stanton 
stops  laughing , takes  out  bottle  from  desk  and  drinks. 

Well,  you  motion  a long  time  after  you  are  through  laughing.  What 
was  you  laughing  at? 

Jimmy.  Oh — oh — ah — yes,  (soft  smile)  because  you  was  talking  to 
the  brewery. 

Aunt  T.  (Stanton  drinking)  To  a brewery?  Merciful  heavens! 
and  John  Stanton  is  a temperance  man.  Why  do  they  call  up  here? 

Jimmy.  To  ge  t o u r o r d e r . 

Mr.  S.  (aside)  That  blabbering  idiot. 

Aunt  T.  (gets  up)  For  what?  Great  goodness,  for  what? 

Jimmy.  Ice. 

Mr.  8.  (aside)  He  shall  have  another  raise. 

Aunt  T.  Oh!  (sits  dozen)  Well  that’s  all  right.  Do  you  know 
Mr.  Weary? 

Jimmy.  I can’t  say  that  I do,  ma’am. 

Aunt  T.  Oh!  he  is  such  an  angel.  We’re  so  much  alike. 

Mr.  8.  (aside)  Poor  man.  (lights  a cigar 

Aunt  T.  (gets  up.  fixes  papers  and  books  on  table  in  order)  I never 
knew  a man  with  such  a lovely  disposition,  he  is  so  taking. 

(cleaning  office  with  great  fluster — Jimmy  alarmed 

Mr.  S.  (aside)  Yes,  he  got  two  thousand  dollars  of  my  money  at 
one  take.  Little  does  Jim  Walker — alias — Weary  think  that  I am 
aware  of  his  identity,  no  doubt  he  would  disappear  as  mysteriously 
as  he  did  two  years  ago  when  his  accounts  were  short.  Sometimes 
I believe  him  innocent,  but  his  flight,  his  own  acknowledgment  of 
the  guilt  to  me  by  mail,  all,  make  him  a defaulter,  nothing  less. 

Aunt  T.  (to  Jimmy)  Young  man,  what  are  you  smoking? 

Jimmy.  I’m  not  smoking,  ma’am.  (Mr.  Stanton  excited. 

Aunt  T.  Well,  you  surely  are!  How  dare  you  stand  there  and 
say  you  are  not  smoking,  when  it  is  fairly  choking  me?  A boy  in 


22.  LOTI  ESS. 

your  place  too,  smoking  right  before  a lady  who  abhors  such  vices. 
Give  me  that  cigar. 

Jimmy,  {backs  up  to  screen , Mr.  Stanton  hands  him  cigar)  Oh  I 
can’t,  you  see  I’m  not — that  is  l am  smoking,  and  I am  so  ashamed 
of  the  cheap  tobacco  l am  using.  Please  don’t  ask  for  it. 

Aunt  T.  I demand  that#you  give  me  that  vile  weed,  it’s  surely  a 
poor  one. 

Jimmy . Well,  here  it  is  then,  {hands  cigar  to  Aunt  Tilda)  It's 
such  a cheap  one. 

Aunt  T.  {aside)  My  gracious,  it’s  a William  Penn,  and  he  calls 
them  cheap,  {smells)  Oh!  my,  how  strong,  it  would  take  a poultice 
to  draw  it.  {puts  cigar  m bag — telephone  rings)  There,  that  must  be 
the  brewery.  Let  me  tell  that  man  what  1 think  of  him. 

Jimmy,  {crosses  to  phone)  1 must  answer  it  myself. 

Aunt  T.  But  I insist  on  telling  that  hops  presser  what  I think  of 
him.  (Jimmy  sitting  Aunt  Tilda  in  chair 

Jimmy.  I tell  you  that  I must  answer  it  myself.  Now  be  seated.- 
{to  phone)  Hello! 

Aunt  T.  {rushes  to  Jimmy,  very  indignant)  You  are  an  impolite 
young  man,  {loud)  you  are  no  gentleman!  {sits  down 

Jimmy,  {to  phone)  No  sir!  1 beg  your  pardon,  it  was  a lady  here 
in  the  office — what  is  it?  Yes. 

Aunt  T.  Oh!  you  villain. 

Jimmy.  Oh,  you  wish  to  buy  the  Watkin’s  mortgage,  eh? 

Mr.  S.  {aside)  Good!  I’ve  been  trying  to  get  rid  of  that  mort- 
gage for  the  past  three  months,  and  at  last  have  a buyer.  I’ll  for- 
give the  children  if  I can  sell  that  plaster. 

Jimmy.  Well!  you  was  misinformed,  that  mortgage  is  not  for  sale. 
Good-bye.  {rings  off — aside)  l hope  1 did  right. 

Mr.  8.  {groans)  Oh!  my  poor  head. 

Aunt  T {rushes  to  window,  closes  shutters  then  the  doors)  Oh!  what 
is  that?  I heard  a noise!  what  if  there  was  a man  in  the  room? 

Mr.  S.  {aside)  I’d  pity  him  if  she  knew  it. 

Jimmy.  Calm  yourself,  Miss,  I assure  you  it  was  only  the  telephone. 

Aunt  T.  Only  the  telephone?  Well  it  sounded  very  much  like  a 
man.  {door  bell  rings)  Oh!  there  he  is,  there  is  my  Willie!  Open 
the  door,  hurry!  Oh!  good  dear  Mr.  Weary! 

Enter  Jack,  c.  e.,  Aunt  Tilda  embraces  him . 

Jack.  Oh  Auntie!  you  are  just  awful.  {laughs 

Aunt  T.  {sits  at  c.  E.,  angry)  Oh!  you  brute. 

Mr.  8.  {aside)  That  destroyer  of  my  happiness  here,  and  in  my 
office?  Oh!  the  brass  of  young  America! 

Jack,  (to  Jimmy)  Where  is  my  unfriendly  father-in-law ? 

Mr.  8.  (aside)  I wonder  if  he  is  insulting  my  profession. 

Jimmy.  He  is  here — (Jack  runs  to  door , hand  on  heart)  and  gone. 

Mr.  8.  (aside)  That  damned  kid. 

Jack.  Gone — gone  where? 

Jimmy.  Out  hunting — hunting — (aside)  What  did  the  governor 
say  he  was  hunting?  ; 

Jack.  Hunting!  hunting  what? 

Jimmy.  Ah — ah — gutter  snipes  and  shooting  stars. 

Mr.  8.  (aside)  Oh  what  a mixture. 

Jack.  Great  heavens!  Did  he  tell  you  that? 


LOUE  SS. 


23 


Jimmy.  Yes  sir— no  sir— T mean  yes  sir! 

Jack.  Well,  this  is  a stunner.  I supposed  t he  old  man  would  take 
our  elopement  pretty  hard.  Didn’t  you,  Auntie? 

Aunt  T.  Yes,  l did!  {anffry 

Mr.  S.  {aside)  Listen  to  the  young  duck. 

Jack.  Now  Auntie,  don’t  be  angry.  Don’t  you  think  Mr.  Stanton's 
actions  are  rather  out  of  the  ordinary? 

Aunt  T.  I confess.  I’m  quite  startled  at  his  actions.  I wouldn’t 
be  surprised  if  he  had  gone  clean  crazy.  Hut  Jacky,  what  are  you 
doing  here?  We  all  thought  you  had  eloped. 

Mr.  S.  {aside)  That’s  what  L want  ter  know. 

Jack.  Well,  Auntie,' we  would  have  gone,  but  Louess  would  not 
go,  leaving  her  father  in  such  a state  of  excitement,  so  I’ve  come 
back  to  ask  his  consent  to  our  marriage,  and  if  he  refuses — well, 
what  good  will  it  do?  (Jack  and  Aunt  Tilda  talk 

Mr.  S.  That’s  right— that’s  right,  it  won’t  do  a blamed  bit  of 
good,  but  I’ll  have  revenge  on  him  or  bust. 

Aunt  T.  Shaw!  I’m  sure  everything  will  be  all  right,  Jack,  don’t 
worry  any  more  about  it.  Where  is  Louess  now? 

Jack.  Oh!  she  and  her  chums  are  on  their  way  here  now;  they 
will  arrive  most  any  minute.  We  expected  to  surprise  the  old  man, 
so  I came  ahead  to  reconoiter. 

Mr.  S.  {aside)  He  calls  me  old  man.  Oh!  I’ll  have  satisfaction. 

[drinks 

Aunt  T.  Well,  he  will  be  surprised  to  find  you  returned  so  soon, 

I assure  you,  but  Jacky  dear,  have  you  seen  him — my  him  ? 

Jack.  Book  ? ; 

Aunt  T.  No,  no!  my  Weary. 

Jack . Yes,  Auntie,  I believe  I did.  You  mean  the  man  you  had 
at  the  blow -out? 

Mr.  8.  {aside)  Listen  to  him  making  light  of  my  damaged  house. 

Aunt,  T.  Yes,  yes,  that’s  the  one.  Oh!  he  so  faithfully  promised 
to  be  here. 

Mr.  S.  {aside)  If  he  comes  here  I’ll  mob  him. 

Jack.  Well,  when  I saw  him  last  he  was  taking  a ride. 

Aunt  T.  Taking  a ride?  Oh  the  monster,  and  without  me? 

Jack.  Yes,  Auntie,  in  a patrol  wagon. 

Aunt  T.  Gracious  goodness!  {sinks  into  chair)  Oh— oh — oh! 

Mr.  S.  {aside)  I’ve  got  him  at  last. 

Jack.  Why  aunt  Tilda,  you  are  not  hurt,  are  you? 

Aunt  T.  No,  no!  but  please,  oh  please  fell  me  how  w&s  he  hurt, 
where  was  he  smashed? 

Jack.  Well,  he  was  smashed  on  the  face.  You  see  lie  tried  to 
palm  an  overcoat  from  a clothing  store  dummy,  and  the  proprietor 
caught  on  to  the  trick. 

Dummy — coat— in  great  big  roll, 

Owner — police— Weary  in  patrol. 

Poetry — oh  for  a pencil.  {exit  c.  e. 

Aunt  T.  {lip  quickly)  Oh,  oh, -oh!  you  brute!  {at  v.  e.)  I’m  mad, 
angry,  blood  thirsty,  L’m — I’m — crying,  {determined)  No,  I won’t, 
I’ll  sit  here  fill  he  comes  back  and  then  I’ll  scratch  his  eyes  out. 
I’m  going  to  paint  my  face  to  look  fierce.  1 have  some  of  the  paints 
the  girls  use  in  their  shows.  I’ll  frighten  him  to  death. 

{goes  to  table,  sits  with  back  to  audience,  paints  her  face 


LOUESS. 


Mr.  S.  {aside,  looking  over  screen)  Well,  she’s  a bigger  fool  than  I 
gave  her  credit  for  being.  So  they  are  all  coining  down  here,  eh? 
Well,  I’ll  prepare  for  them.  1 shall  teach  them  a lesson  they  will 
not  forget  very  soon.  I will  have  everyone  of  them  arrested  and 
fined  to  the  full  extent  of  the  law.  {pause)  No,  that  won’t  do — I 
have  it;  Tilda  alluded  to  my  mind,  said  she  believed  that  I’d  go 
insane.  I'll  let  them  come,  and  when  they  do,  they  will  find  me  as 
crazy  as  a bed-bug.  1 don’t  like  to  trifle  with  my  reputation  as  a 
business  man,  but  I’ll  be  hanged  if  I don’t  scare  that  Jack  Nile  or 
bust. 

Jimmy,  {at  window)  Holy  smoke1  there  is  a whole  push  of  girls 
coming  up  the  stairs,  {crosses  to  Mr.  Stanton)  Mr.  Stanton,  a 
crowd  of  girls  are  coming  up  the  stairs.  Shall  I let  them  in? 

Mr.  S.  Yes,  yes,  and  then  get  out. 

Jimmy.  No  sir — ree—  (exit  r.  e.,  quickly 

Jack,  (outside)  Come  right  in  girls. 

Enter  Jack  and  Girls,  c.  e. 

The  old  boy  is  gone,  we  can  control  this  domicil  at  pleasure. 

(Aunt  Tilda  goes  to  l.  c.,  her  face  painted  ridiculously 
Mar.  What  a funny  place  this  is. 

Louess.  (seeing  Aunt  Tit, da)  Auntie,  oh  heavens! 

Aunt  T.  How  do  you  like  it?  My  face  expresses  my  anger— your 
—your  Jack  has  insulted  me.  (weeps 

Louess.  Oh1  Auntie,  I’m  sure  Jack  did  not  mean  to  make  you  feel 
so  badly. 

Jack.  Why  no,  Auntie,  I beg  your  pardon,  I really  meant  nothing 
harmful  about  Mr.  Weary. 

Rose.  Yes,  he  is  quarantined,  and  they  won’t  let  him  out. 

Aunt  T.  Jack  Nife,  you  are  a brute.  (weeps 

Louess.  There,  there  Auntie,  Jack,  now  stop!  Auntie  is  feeling 
blue,  (looking  at  screen)  Wrhy  Jack,  you  said  papa  was  not  here. 
Jack.  Well,  he  isn’t. 

Louess.  Why,  he  surely  is,  Jimmy  always  places  that  screen 
around  his  desk  when  he  is  busy. 

Mr.  S.  (aside)  It’s  a coming,  now  watch  me  get  revenge. 

( rumples  hair , looks  crazy 
Violet,  (looking  over  screen)  Why  yes,  he  is — 

(Mr.  Stanton  jumps  at  her , screams 
Jack.  What  is  the  matter?  (looks  over  screen)  Oil  heavens! 

(Mr.  Stanton  comes  out , acts  crazy 
Louess.  Oh!  Jack!  what  have  we  done? 

Girls,  (ad.  lib.)  Heavens!  oh  my  gracious! 

Aunt  T.  I knew  he  could  not  stand  the  shock. 

Ijouess.  Oh,  papa! 

Mr.  S.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  gone — gone — gone — all  gone,  smash — smash 
— biff — bang — then  she,  my  Louess,  ran  away.  He,  Jack  Nife,  stole 
her  from  me,  the  monster!  (laughs)  Wait  until  1 find  them,  then  is 
the  time — death — death — death,  see.  I've  saved  this  jack  knife 
{takes  jack  knife  from  pocket)  to  do  t he  work.  I am  well  armed,  let 
them  come — let  them  come,  (aside)  I’m  a regular  Booth. 

Jack.  Why,  he  has  gone  crazy. 

Mr.  L,  (jumps  in  the  air)  Ah!  that’s  the  voice — crazy  am  I? 


LOUESS. 


25 


(looks  at  Jack)  Yes,  you  are  the  monster,  death  to  you  and  all  — 
death — death.  (starts for  Jack,  who  runs  to  c.  e. 

Enter  Weary,  c.  e.,  who  takes  Mr.  Stanton’s  arm. 

Weary,  (slaps  Mr.  Stanton)  There,  you  naughty  man,  T must 
punish  you  for  playing  tag  during  office  hours,  (to  Aunt  Tilda) 
You  see  dear,  L am  here — great  heavens!  what  a face! 

Aunt  T.  Oh!  you  treasure,  (they  embrace)  I made  it  to  avenge 
you  in  your  solitude. 

Mr.  8.  (enraged)  What  do  you  mean  sir!  by  coming  into  my 
office  in  so  bold  a manner?  I’ll  have  you  arrested  sir — I’ll — 

Louess.  Oh!  papa,  then  you  are  not  crazy? 

Mr.  S.  Crazy?  No,  but  I’m  damned  mad.  Out  of  my  office  every 
one  of  you — do  you  hear?  Out  of  my  office,  or  someone  will  be  sorry. 

Jack.  Mr.  Stanton,  pray  forgive  us,  you  don’t  understand. 

Mr.  8.  Don’t  understand,  hey?  I understand  enough  to  know 
that  you  can’t  loaf  here  in  my  office  during  business  hours.  Out  of 
my  office,  I say,  or  I will  arrest  every  one  of  you.  Do  you  think  that 
1 can  be  bull-dozed  like  a green  country  schoolboy?  No  sir!  Are 
you  going  to  leave? 

Louess.  Oh!  papa,  please  forgive  us,  please! 

Aunt  T.  John,  you  are  a stubborn  brute. 

Mr.  S.  (calls)  Jimmy!  Jimmy! 

Enter  Jimmy,  r.  e. 


Call  a policeman. 

Jimmy.  Yes,  sir!  (exit  c.  E.,  quickly 

Aunt  T.  (to  Weary)  Come  dearie,  I think  we  had  better  go. 

Weary.  Oh!  but  ducky,  you  wouldn’t  dare  go  on  the  street  with 
your  face  like  that,  I guess  we  had  better  stay. 

Aunt  T.  You  guess  again — I say  we  go. 

Weary.  I don’t  mind,  if  you  say  so  dear,  we  must. 

Jack,  (to  WearY)  Where  are  you  going? 

Weary.  Going?  Ah!  my  friend,  that  I cannot  say;  see  my  idol 
leads  the  way. 

Jack.  Poetry — oh  for  a pencil.  (Aunt  Tilda  on  Weary’s  arm 

Mr.  8.  Matilda  Jane  Stanton,  you  make  me  sick. 

Aunt-  T.  Well,  John  Henry  Stanton,  you  was  young  yourself  once. 

Weary.  Yes,  very  young  dear,  very  young. 

Air.  8.  I admit  that,  but  I didn’t  carry  my  silly,  lovesick  ways 
with  me  after  I was  fifty  years  old. 

Aunt  T.  You  snob,  you  know  I’m  only  twenty-two,  I think  1 
carry  my  age  well. 

Mr.  8.  You  ought  to,  you’ve  had  it  a long  time.  (noise  outside 
Enter  Policeman,  c.  e. 

Police.  Phat  in  the  divil  is  the  matter  here  anyhow?  Sure  and 
I’ll  not  be  bothered  ag’in.  1 was  taking  me  marning  shlape  this 
afternoon,  and  I don’t  like  to  be  disturbed  this  averting. 

Aunt  T.  Oil!  isn’t  he  just  lovely. 

Air.  8.  Officer,  arrest  these  people. 

Police.  Phat,  all  thim  at  once? 

Air.  8.  Yes,  every  darned  one  of  them. 


LOUESS . 


56' 


Louess.  Oh  Jack*  what  can  we  do? 

Jock.  Wait  and  see  what  happens. 

Police.  A V ell,  that’s  the  worst  I ever  heard,  arrest  all  these  purty 
a i i*  1 s . Oh  my!  oh  my!  what  a job,  sure  and  thecalaboos  would  look 
like  a female  seminary. 

Violet,  (lovingly)  You  won’t  take  me,  will  you,  good,  kind  Mr. 
Sham  rock  ? 


Police.  Of  course  I won’t,  yez  little  huckleberry,  {aside)  I wonder 
how  she  knew  me  name. 

Rose.  Nor  me,  will  you,  you  dear  old  red-whiskered  Santa  Claus. 

Police,  (aside)  Sure,  and  she  thinks  I’m  Santa  Claus.  Oh,  my! 
oh,  my!  (aloud)  Sure  and  I wouldn’t,  arrest  a purty  little  Miss  like 
you.  (looks  at  girls)*  No,  be  dad,  I won’t  arrest  any  of  yez  but  that 
old  cookoo  there,  and  that  dressed  up  hobo. 

Aunt  T.  Oh  dearie,  did  you  hear  that  slander? 

Weary.  I did  sweet  woman,  but  I cannot  reply.  It  isn’t  policy 
for  me  to  break  our  friendship — we  sleep  at  the  same  hotel. 

Mr.  S.  Policeman,  do  your  duty. 

Police.  Very  well  then,  I take  yez  up  for  disturbing  the  peace. 

(starts  toward,  Mu.  Stanton,  who  picks  up  chair 

Mr.  S.  What!  you  dare  to  try  that  again?  This  has  gone  too  far. 
1 have  been  trifled  with,  punned  at,  made  light  of,  robbed,  beaten, 
blown  up,  troubled,  stepped  on.  walked  over,  driven  from  home, 
and  at  last  about  to  be  jailed,  taken  from  my  own  office  by  an  officer 
of  the  law.  I'll  sue  the  police  court,  (all  groan)  I’ll  sue  the  council, 
(dito)  The  Chamber  of  Cornerce,  (dito)  the  County  Treasurer,  (dito) 
the  Governor,  (dito)  the  President,  (dito)  by  Micheal,  I'll  sue  every- 
body - (sinks  into  chair 

Louess.  Officer  leave,  please  leave  this  office. 

Police.  Sure,  and  I must  arrest  someone  or  loose  me  job. 

Mr.  S.  (gets  up,  points  to  Weary)  Then,  arrest  that  man. 


Police.  I 
Weary.  \ 


What  for? 


Mr.  S.  That  man’s  name  is  not  Weary,  but  Walker,  my  former 
secretary  and  defaulter. 

Girls.'  Oh! 

Aunt  T.  Merciful  heaven!  Oh  Weary,  say  that  it  is  not  true. 

Jack.  I can’t  believe  it. 

Weary.  I must  admit  it  is  too  true.  My  name  is  Walker,  (to 
Mr.  Stanton)  I was  your  private  Secretary.  Because  1 borrowed 
two  thousand  dollars  of  your  money,  is  a matter  of  my  own.  I left 
my  note  upon  vour  desk,  which  has  accrued  an  interest  of  $147.14. 

Mr.  S.  Yes,  and  that  is  all  1 need  expect— it  has  accrued. 

Weary.  You  are  too  hasty,  my  vent  ure  has  succeeded,  your  money 
has  made  me  famous,  1 am  no  longer  Willie  Weary,  but  Mr.  James 
G.  Walker,  sole  manufacturer  and  manager  of ‘‘Lift  le  Willie  Walker’s 
Willing  Work  Pills,  now  in  use  by  over  a hundred  million  of  people. 

I am  in  disguise  as  you  perceive,  and  can  prove  my  statements  by 
offering  you  your  principal  and  interest  and  a box  of  Little  W i 1 1 i e 
Walker’s  Willing  Work  Pills  with  my  gracious  thanks. 

Mr.  S.  - Great  goodness,  man!  this  is  yeast.  Goes  it  work? 

Weary.  M os t,  w i 1 1 i n glv . 

Mr.. IS.  Walker,  you  are  a genious. 

(Aunt  Tilda  and  Weary  embrace 


Aunt  T.  He  is  an  angel. 


LOUESS. 


97 


Jack.  Go  officer,  your  services  are  no  longer  required.  Mr.  Weary, 
give  me  your  hand,  I congratulate  you.  {exit  Police,  c.  e. 

Louess.  Oh  papa,  won’t  you  forgive  us  now? 

Mr.  8.  No  daughter,  nothing  under  heaven  can  change  my  mind, 
you  have  left  your  poor  old  father  and  — forever.  {plume,  rings,  Mk. 
Stanton  goes  to  phone)  Hello!  (Louess  weeps  on  Jack’s  shoulder 

Omnes.  Hello! 

Mr.  8.  {to  phone)  Shut  up!  No,  no!  I was  speaking  to  some 
people  here  in  my  office.  No,  they  are  worthless -^what,  you  don't 
mean  to  say  they  are  good — great  heavens!  then  he  is  worth  a for- 
tune. Yes,  he  is  my  sou- in-law.: — come  up  and  smoke. 

jack.  Well,  what  has  struck  the  Governor? 

Aunt  T.  Heaven  knows. 

Mr.  8.  Jack  Nife,  you  are  a brick,  just  the  kind  of  a son-in-law  l 
want.  Oh!  I know  von  are  surprised,  so  am  I — let  me  break  good 
news  to  you — but  first,  do  you  love  my  gal? 

Jack.  With  all  my  heart. 

Mr.  8.  I’m  proud  of  you,  just  the  kind  of  a son-in-law  I want. 

Louess.  Papa,  what  is  the  meaning  of  this  change?  Do  you  for- 
give us? 

Mr.  8.  With  all  my  heart,  come  kis*  your  dad.  ( kisses ) There, 
now  I feel  better. 

Aunt  T.  Well  John,  please  explain— what  has  happened? 

Jack.  Yes,  what  has  happened,  don’t  keep  us  iii  ignorance. 

Mr.  8.  You  are  in  luck.  Do  you  remember  (lie  shares  your 
father  bought  from  Wilson,  Kirk  & Co.,  during  the  great  mining 
boom  many  years  ago,  and  which;  have  been  worthless  ever  since; 
couldn’t  be  sold  for  a cent  a share? 

Jack.  Yes,  quite  well  do  I remember  how  poor  father  lost  his 
fortune  through  those  very  shares — what  of  them? 

Mr.  8.  Well,  for  goodness  sake,  must  1 map  it  out  to  you?  They 
are  good,  worth  a hundred  dollars  a share,  if  they  are  worth  a cent, 
and  you  own  nearly  all  of  them. 

Louess.  Oh!  Jack,  how  lovely. 

Jack.  Well,  this  is  certainly  a surprise.  Are  you  sure  there  is  no 
mistake? 

Mr.  8.  Mistake,  no,  by  darned,  I got  that  news  from  the  Stock 
Exchange,  and  your  stock  is  going  right  on  up.  You  area  rich  man 
or  I’m  a beggar. 

Jack.  Well,  Mr.  Stanton,  this  is  a great  surprise,  and  1 trust 
Louess  and  1 can  make  good  use  of  our  money.  Is  there  any  further 
need  of  asking  for  your  daughter? 

Mr.  8.  No  Jack,  my  boy,  no.  You  can  take  care  of  my  gal  now 
and  make  her  happy.  {shake  hands 

Rose.  Yes,  and  we  will  all  come  and  visit  you. 

Mar.  Wron’t  that  be  fine. 

Aunt  T.  Yes  indeed,  Mr.  Weary  and  l will  come  and  stay  ever  s > 
long. 

Weary.  Yes,  dear.  In  fact,  should  my  AY — AY — AAr—  go  up  the 
flue,  we  will  make  our  home  with  them. 

Mr.  S.  Well,  Louess  has  something  to  say  about  that.  I feel  hap- 
pier than  a bird,  let  us  sing,  dance  or  get  drunk. 

Aunt  T.  AYhy  John  Stanton,  you  surprise  me,  and  for  a man  of 
your  age,  too. 

Mr.  8.  Well  darned  if  I care.  I started  out  to  scare  this  young 


«s 


LOTTE  SS. 


fellow  by  being  crazy,  and  I guess  I ain’t  over  my  fit  yet. 

Jack.  Well,  Mr.  Stanton,  you  certainly  did  act  your  part  to  per- 
fection, and  if  you’ll  join,  we  will  give  you  a part  in  our  private 
theatrical. 

Louess.  Yes  papa,  you  will  make  a hit,  won’t  he  girls? 

Girls.  Yes. 

Mar.  Do  take  a part,  Mr.  Stanton. 

Butt.  You  and  Mr.  Weary — 

Weary.  Walker,  Miss,  Walker! 

Butt.  You  and  Mr.  Walker  shall  fight  the  duel. 

Jack.  No,  1 object.  I shall  do  that,  1 captured  our  friend  Walker 
and  expect  to  fight  him. 

Weary.  Agreed. 

Louess.  Well  then,  let  us  rehearse  our  grand  finale. 

Mr.  S.  I’ll  take  a part,  (song — on  last  two  measures,  music  stops— 
phone  rings)  Business  before  pleasure,  (to  phone)  Hello! — yes — yes 
— yes — yes— it  belongs  to  you — good  day.  {rings  off)  I’ve  sold  that 
damned  mortgage,  (calls)  Jimmy!  Police! 


Enter  Jimmy  and  Police,  c.  e. 


Police.  I 
Jimmy,  j* 


What  sir? 


Mr.  8.  Join  this  chorus. 


CUR  TALK 


( grand  finals 


THE  END. 


^Our  Jaek.4* 

A drama  in  3 acts,  by  C.  A.  Stenman , for  7 male  and  3 
female  characters.  Time  of  playing,  1 hour 
and  45  minutes . 


SYNOPSIS  OF  EVENTS. 

ACT  T.— Jack  and  Harry — The  warning  of  counterfeiters— Julia 
Kempton  and  Charles  Dean— Florence  overhears  her  husband’s 
soliloquy — “I'm  your  wife  and  you  will  find  me  a thorn  of  the  worst 
kind” — Florence’s  story — The  murder — Florence  mortally  wounded 
and  found  by  Jack,  who  discovers  her  to  be  his  sister,  she  tells  him 
it  was  Charles  Dean  who  stabbed  her — Death  of  Florence — Jack 
takes  an  oath  to  avenge  her  death — An  attempt  to  murder  Jack 
Stanton  foiled — The  broken  engagement  of  Julia  and  Dean — The 
threat  — Jack  interferes — ‘‘Curse  him” — Dean  meets  his  accomplies 
—The  compact,  ‘‘$300  each  if  we  get  rid  of  him” — An  attempt  to 
murder  Jack,  which  failed — Jack  finds  a letter  and  his  sister’s 
picture,  which  was  lost  in  the  tussle,  which  reveals  to  him  that 
Dean  is  his  sister’s  murderer  and  Charles  Clark. 

ACT  II. — A girl  with  an  interesting  story — Lee’s  suspicion — “No 
mail  from  Jack” — Charles  Dean  disguised  as  Mr.  Lee  and  Harry’s 
friend,  secures  package  of  money  from  Mr.  Kempton’s  desk  and 
secrets  it  in  Harry’s  valise — The  missing  money  found  in  the  valise 
• — Harry  accused — ‘‘Father,  I am  innocent” — “Officer,  do  your  duty” 
—Escape  of  Harry — Grimes  overhears  a conversation  between  Julia 
and  Lee — Julia’s  dream. 

ACT  III. — Grimes’  and  Lee’s  plot  to  abduct  Julia — Harry  returns 
home — Meeting  of  brother  and  sister — Jack’s  absence  unaccounted 
for — Lee  informs  Mr.  Kempton  that  he  saw  Harry  take  the  money — 
Julia  pleads  for  Harry — Harry  takes  Grimes  for  a thief — Alice  reads 
a little  story  for  Lee’s  amusement — Mr.  Kempton  discovers  Harry- 
Lee  denounces  him — Julia  comes  to  her  brother’s  aid — Alice,  Lee’s 
deserted  w ife  confronts  him — Grimes,  who  is  Jack  Stanton  in  dis- 
guise, takes  off  disguise  and  accuses  Lee  of  his  sister’s  murder — Lee 
attempts  to  shoot  Jack,  but  is  foiled  by  Alice,  then  shoots  himself — 
Harry  vindicated  by  Our  Jack.  Price,  15  cents. 


.ATter  tli©  Circus. 

Farce  in  1 act,  by  Lawrence  Chenoweth,  author  of  “The  Boarding 
House  Troubles,”  etc.,  for  4 male  and  3 female  characters.  A 
typical  Farmer,  Doctor,  with  an  eye  for  girls,  a Dutchman,  who  is  a 
singer,  a Dude  out  for  a lark,  a widow  of  forty-nine,  and  two  maids 
who  enjoy  a flirtation,  make  up  the  cast.  Specialties  can  be  intro- 
duced. Costumes  modern.  Time  of  performance,  45  minutes. 

Price,  15  cents.  ^ 


TRIXIE; 

-OR- 

The  Wizard  of  Fogg 
Island. 

A drama  in  3 acts  by  Bert  C.  Rawley,  for  6 male  and  3 
female  characters.  Costumes  to  suit  charac- 
ters. Time  of  playing,  1 hour  and 
30  minutes. 

s rjsropsis  of  e vents. 

L<jl  ..  Scene  71— Webber  mansion — Mr.  and  Mrs.  Webber  discuss 
the  future  welfare  of  their  son.  King — King  and  Jennie  return  from 
a pleasure  trip— The  Wizard’s  prediction — Anthony  Webber  makes 
a discovery — The  secret — “There  is  only  one  witness  to  my  crime!” 
— A glimpse  of  the  past — The  fatal  card — “L  must  find  a way  of 
escape.”  Scene  IT. — Fogg  Island — The  Wizard’s  cave— Little  Trixie 
—A  song  brings  fond  memories — A discontended  lady— A father’s 
good  advice — An  Irishman’s  idea— The  lost  locket — The  loser  loses 
his  head.  Scene  III. — Webber  mansion — Terry  and  Penny  Ante 
have  an  interview — Surprised —Father  and  daughter — The  sacred 
promise— The  living  witness — The  Wizard  appears. 

ACT  II.  Scene  T. — Wizard’s  cave — Terry  and  Penny  arrive — 
Penny’s  libberoutof  order— The  Wizard’s  soliloquy — Trixie  and  the 
wounded  man — The  dismay  of  the  Wizard — King  Webber — Terry  is 
puzzled — Clifford  Ellison. arrives— His  resolve— A glimpse  of  the  past 
-—“Who  is  this  man?” — The  attempted  murder — Trixie  on  deck— 
Foiled.  Scene  //.—(Lapse  of  one  month)— Webber's  mansion— Penny’s 
disordered  libber — Terry's  little  scheme — Ellison’s  presentiments— 
Mother  and  son — A mother’s  pleading — The  secret — “It  is  murder, 
my  son!” — The  Wizard  appears — “No,  my  friend,  your  father  is 
innocent” — May  God  bless  you.” 

ACT  III. — Webber  mansion — The  answer  given,  “No!” — Ellison 
threatens — Despair — The  evidence  destroyed — “Warner  Webber 
ves!”— Foiled — Jennie's  flight — The  Wizard’s  Daughter — United  at 
last.  Price  15cts. 


A *10.000  WAGER. 

Farce  in  2 acts,  by  I.  M.  G.  Wood,  4 male,  2 female  characters. 
Time,  30  minutes.  Miss  Clara  Farly,  Judge  Flint’s  neice,  wages 
$10,000  that  he  will  give  his  consent  to  the  marriage  of  his  neice, 
Minnie,  to  Walter  Bland,  whom  he  has  refused  to  accept  as  her 
suitor.  The  means  she  takes  to  obtain  the  wager  is  very  amusing. 
The  characters  are  all  good,  will  make  a good  after  piece.  Price  15c. 


In  a Spider’s  Web. 


A Musical  Farce  Comedy  in  4 acts,  by  Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.  F.  Riuna* 
man,  for  8 male  and  o female  characters.  Time  of  per- 
formance, 1 hour  and  40  minutes. 

ft yJYOPSIS  OF  E VENTS. 

ACT  T. — Lawn  at  “Drop  Inn” — Pet  and  Kid — “Gee  whiz,  you 
don’t  like  me  no  how” — Tanner,  the  proprietor  of  “Drop  inn”— 
“Say,  Guardy,  did  youeat  any  blind  robins?” — Fly — Henry  is  stage 
struck — William  Shakespere,  “You  know  Willie,  don’t  you?” — Pet 
and  Kid  torment  Fly— Dem  skeeters  mighty  bad  around  here” — Fly 
plays  a trick  on  them  and  gets  even — Tanner  and  Zoe — “What!  my 
daughter  marry  a hotel  clerk?” — Fritz — “Well  1 nevah,  he  takes 
me  for  satan— Mrs.  Spider— An  easy  catch— “By  George,  dead  mashed 
on  me,  deuced  clevah  girl” — Pet  and  Kid  paint  a monkey  face  on 
Tanner’s  bald  head — Charles  proposes  for  Zoe’s  hand,  but  is  rejected 
by  her  father— Fritz  tries  to  flirt  with  Pet— “Porter,  erase  the  country 
soil  from  my  clothes” — Fly,  the  tonsorial  artist — “What  you  want, 
bobtail,  four-in-hand  or  pompadour ?”— Fritz  and  Mrs.  Spider — The 
arrival  of  guests — Miss  Jones,  the  unprotected  female — Tanner  and 
Fly  have  trouble  with  her  luggage — Michel  O’Rafferty  McGinnis, 
M.  P.,  from  the  13th  ward — Pet  and  Kid  quarrel — “Young  lady,  I’ll 
send  you  to  a convent” — “I  won’t  go,  so  L won’t” — “De  downfall  of 
Africa” — Charles  and  Zoe  plan  an  elopement  and  offer  Fly  $5.00  to 
help  them — “O!  Charles,  the  shock  has  killed  him” — McGinnis 
hunting  a place  for  a political  convention. 

ACT  11. — Office  in  Hotel — Pet — “1  wish  Henry  was  here,  I am  so 
lonesome” — She  tells  Tanner  that  she  is  engaged  to  Kid — “When 
will  you  be  fifteen  years  old” — “As  soon  as  1 can” — “Ain’t  you 
proud  of  me?” — You  littld  wretch,  I’ll  twist  your  neck” — Another 
guest — Mrs. Spider  discovers  that  the  latest  arrival  is  her  husband. 
Sport  Spider — “So  this  is  the  way  he  goes  on  a hunting  trip” — “Fire! 
Fire! — A put  up  job  by  Charles — He  and  Zoe  are  married  during 
excitement— Miss  Jones  faints  in  McGinnis’  arms — “The  longest 
faint  I ever  seen” — Dey  look  like  two  fairies.” 

ACT  111.— Picnic  ground  near  lake — Mrs.  Spider  on  the  lookout 
for  her  husband — Fritznoodle  arrives  on  his  wheel— Flirtation  con- 
tinued— Hans,  the  tramp — “Dunder  und  blitzen,  •dot  baloon  vas 
coming  back  here”- — Miss  Jones,  w ho  had  been  left  at  home,  arrives, 
looking  for  McGinnis — “Ah!  he  is  such  a nice  man,  what  a nice 
couple  we  would  make”— “McGinnis,  your  a blackguard,  if  you 
spoil' the  delusion” — Miss  Jones  tries  to  encourage  McGinnis  to  pro- 
pose— “Oh!  my  poor  fluttering  heart”— Kid  comes  to  the  picnic 
disguised  as  a Jew  McGinnis  proposes — Sport  Spider  discovers  Mrs. 
Spider  and  Fritz — Looking  for  trouble— “You  are  caught  in  your 
own  web” — “Forgive  me” — You’se  a nice  lot  of  people,  you  is” — 
Miss  Jones  jealous1 — “Oh!  that  huzzy  Daisy  Bell”-^“Heaven  defend 
us  from  her  anger”— McGinnis  and  Miss  Jones  make  up— “See  that 
Dutchman,  kick  him”— “Brick  bats  at  forty  paces”— Downfall  of 
Ireland — Dutchy,  there’s  a nagger  up  the  tree — Song — Ourtain. 

Price,  15c  ts. 


LITTLE  GOLDIE; 

The  Child,  of  The  Camp. 

A Western  Comedy  Drama  in  4 acts,  by  Charles  0.  Willard,  for  11 
male  and  female  characters.  Time  2 hours 


SYNOPSIS  OF  USC ID  FNTS, 

ACT  I. — The  picnic  near  the ‘ Black  Hawk’s”  cave -The  lawyers  ami  Mike- 
Little  Goldie  has  tun  with  the  Judge  — Mike  makes  love  to  Matilda  The  Judge 
is  appealed  to — Matilda  and  the  Judge — Joe  arrived  late — The  Captain  of  the 
Black  Hawks  shows  up— Tells  the  gang  a story — Old  Jones  is  rich  — The  plot— 
Peter’s  meets  old  Jones— The  struggle —Little  Goldie  to  the  rescue,  backed  b.v 
the  J edge  and  his  cannon  -‘‘It  wouldn’t  do  in  this  glorious  cl i mate  of  Colorado.” 

ACT  II.— The  Col.  and  the  Maj.  lament  the.  escape  of  the  Black  Hawks — The 
Judge  gets  drunk — Mike  tells  some  news — The  boys  “lay”  for  the  school  teacher 
— The  school  teacher  arrives— A female! — The  Judge  makes  a speech — Joe 
drops  in  and  cuts  them  all  out — Matilda  and  the  Judge— Mike  gets  mad — The 
Capt.  of  the  Black  Hawks  again— Little  Goldie  at  her  pranks,  has  trouble  with 
Godfrey — Joe  interferes— The  Col.  and  Maj.  get  in  their  worst— Judge  tries  to 
escape  from  Matilda — Mike  helps  him  out-  The  recognition — The  story — I will 
be  there— The  quarrel— “Drop  that  knife,  or  I’ll  fill  you  full  of  holes.” 

ACT  III. — The  home  of  Edith— Matilda  tells  a little  gossip  and  departs — Joe 
calls  and  tells  Edith  of  liis  love  -The  J udge  hears  him  refused — Joe  departs— 
The  Judge  tries  his  hand — Matilda  unexpectedly  returns— The  Judge  in  a fix— 
Little  Goldie  again — A new  baby — Godfrey  calls  on  Edith— The  promise — “So 
will  I” — The  Col.  and  Maj. — Mike  happens  along — The  Judge  takes  a hand — Little 
Goldie  looking  for  Joe — Handsome  Harry— “I’ll  play  this  alone  if  I die  for  it” — 
Near  the  Black  Hawk’s  retreat — The  Black  Hawks — Godfrey  waiting  Edith’s 
arrival— Edith  arrives — “Never” — “Then  go  where  you  belong” — Handsome 
Harry  to  the  rescue— “Defend  yourself” — Harry  is  overpowered — The  fate  of  a 
traitor— Goldie  to  the  rescue— The  terrible  fall  of  Godfrey. 

ACT  IV.— Bummer  Jones’  (George  Winfred)  home  in  Denver — Mike  Flynn  in 
command — The  reformed  Bummer — The  letters — The  letter  from  the  nephew— 
The  nephew  arrives— God frey  as  a “Missionary”— The  uncle  writes  a letter 
dictated  by  the  nephew — The  arrival  of  the  Judge — The  murder — The  Col.  and 
Joe — Godfrey’s  claim — Mike  tells  what  he  heard— Godfrey  accused  of  murder  — 
“His  child  and  the  heiress  is  dead” — The  heiress  found  is  Little  Goldie — Hand- 
some Harry  — God  frey  cheats  the  law— Edith  and  Joe— Unexpected  arrival  of 
Matilda — Happy  finale.  Price  25  CtS. 


Tine  Old  Wayside  Inn. 


A drama  In  5 acts  l*y  J.  E.  Crai'j  , lor  9 male  and  6 female 
characters.  Time  of* performance  2 hours. 


ACT  I. — The  Wayside  Inn — Stprm  on  the  Moor— Arrival  of  Lady  Arley  and 
infant  daughter — Lill  Beckwith  warns  her — “It  is  death  to  remain  longer”— Ar- 
rival of  Jack  Beck  with— Murder  of  Lady  Arley — Lill  saves  the  child. 

ACT  II— A lapse  of  fifteen  years — Lill  and  Gypsy— The  dying  woman— “I  am 
not  your  mother”— The  secret  revealed— Jack  arrives— A death  bed— Jack’s 
despair — Gypsy  discovers  her  mother’s  papers,  which  reveals  her  mother’s  his- 
tory— Bart  Juan  and  Jack  meet — “I  know  your  secret” — “My  silence  is,  the 
hand  of  Gypsy” — Bruce  Stilwell — Lost  on  the  MoOr — Seeks  shelter,  and  is 
warned  by  Gypsy — His  escape — Jack’s  oath  at  liis  wife’s  grave — Murder  of 
Jack  and  abduction  of  Gypsy,  by  Bart  Juan  and  his  men — Bruce  discovers  Jack 
in  time  to  learn  of  the  abduction — Death  of  Jack. 

ACT  III. — The  Irish  and  Dutch  Detectives— “Ish  dot  so?” — Home  of  Lady  Still- 
well— The  compact  between  Bruce  and  his  mother — “I  love  Gypsy  Beckwith”— 
Pat  and  Fritz — Cave  of  the  Robbers — Washington  dances  at  the  point  of  a 
revolver — Gypsy’s  escape — Oath  of  vengeance. 

ACT  IV. — Bruce  discovers  Gypsy  as  an  Actress— I shall  never  marry  my 
cousin  Gerty — Bart  Juan  and  Brnce — The  duel,  in  which  Gerty  meets  her  death. 

ACT  V. — Lady  Stillwells  attempt  to  discover  the  heiress — Bruce  and  Gypsy— 
The  proposal— Happy  ending.  Price,  15cts. 


